Today I’m going to mock one of life’s greatest and most profound forms of artistic expression: a McDonald’s commercial.
There’s a new one that takes place at a wedding (it’s embedded below):
To quickly recap: two newlyweds socialize at their wedding reception, unable to enjoy their dinner. Afterwards they pour into the limo, where they’re greeted by two McDonald’s quarter pounders and a note from the father of the bride: “There’s never time to eat at your own wedding.”
Ah, yes. Because every woman dreams of their wedding day as a little girl, surrounded by their friends and family, wearing the perfect dress, sucking down a McRib.
Even a McDonald’s commercial should have the self-awareness to realize no one should eat fast food on their wedding day. What do you do after a wedding reception? You consummate. It’s pretty hard to do that when you’re doubled over in the hotel bathroom with crippling stomach pain. “Honey, can you crush some Tums into my champagne glass? I’ll be ready to have sex with you after this next wave hits, I’m sure of it….oh God…it’s coming on again…why did I go back for that second Baconator oh holy hell.”
And is McDonald’s really the best meal you can do for your daughter, Dad? You could’ve easily had something way nicer catered into that limo. I’d like to see an honest reaction from the girl after that. “Oh, thanks Pop! Dinner was a $200 a plate salmon filet with roasted red potatoes and asparagus, but this soggy burger and fries with a flat Diet Coke are way better!” Then as he tries to explain himself, she does the jerkoff motion as the limo peels out.
When they look at the Dad, why does he look back so sentimentally? Is he getting wistful over McDonald’s? Maybe he loves McDonald’s more than his daughter. She goes in for a hug and he blows right past her so he can embrace an anthropomorphic Big Mac that’s wearing a wedding dress. Then he breaks the embrace, looks deep in its eyes, and starts making out with it. The horrified guests look on and he breaks the kiss after a minute to wipe special sauce and diced onion off his mouth to say, “I’m not equating the Big Mac with my daughter. I love it on a romantic level, so this isn’t weird. But still, I care more for it than my own offspring,” before the Big Mac says, “Shut up and kiss me!” and pulls him back in for more smooching. As the daughter storms out crying, the Dad yells back, “You get back in here! This sandwich is your new mom!”
Moral of the story: don’t eat McDonald’s on your wedding day. Or ever, probably. You’ll get fat and your Dad might fall in love with it.