A Guy With Superficial Knowledge of Comic Books Explains Why Captain America: Civil War Sucked

civil war

Captain America premiered last week to rave reviews. I don’t know what these people are talking about as I found it to be awful on many levels. Let me, a guy who has superficial knowledge of comic books, tell you why:

Superheroes Are Good Guys And Shouldn’t Fight
Last time I checked, neither Captain America or Iron Man are villains. No matter how cool the action sequences were, I kept hoping for one of the characters to stop everything and say, “Whoa, guys. Aren’t we usually on the same side? This doesn’t feel right.” Every time they argued or fought onscreen, I loudly said, “NOPE. That’s not what they do,” while covering my ears and shaking my head. Other theatergoers tried to explain that if I just watched the film I could understand the nature of their conflict, but I was too busy physically rejecting the premise.

No Batman, No Superman
This was supposed to be the ultimate superhero movie, right? Not only was it missing Thor and Hulk, it also didn’t have the two most famous superheroes there are: Batman and Superman. I don’t have a problem with any of the lesser heroes they chose to showcase, but without the big dogs it just doesn’t feel like a big event. Thank goodness true comic book fans had the vastly superior “Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice” a few months prior to satisfy our need to see Batman and Superman on the big screen, portrayed correctly.

It Didn’t Have Any Dogs
It’s always fun to see dogs in a movie. This movie had zero dogs in it. If they decide to make a Captain America: Civil War 2, I’d recommend adding blind superhero Daredevil, since I’m assuming he has a seeing eye dog. He’s the blind one, right? Or is that Ironhawk?

The Black Widow Is Neither Black Nor A Widow
Hollywood was it again with their whitewashing antics. First they cast Scarlett Johansson as an Asian character in Ghost in the Shell. Now she’s playing a character called Black Widow when she is neither African American nor a woman who’s tragically lost her husband. I’m sure there are plenty women African American actors with dead hubbies who could have performed the role just as well, if not better.

The Usher Kept Yelling At Me For Being On My Cell Phone
Several times during the film, I pulled out my phone, set to 100% brightness, to check it. I wasn’t checking for frivolous reasons. I was checking important things like my text messages, Facebook notifications, the 7 day weather forecast, and other people’s reviews of the very movie I was seeing. As I pulled it out for my fifteenth check 20 minutes into the movie, an usher asked me to stop. This was unacceptable, and frankly should have been nipped in the bud by the producers of the film.Why not write the filmgoing public’s need to check their phones into the script? There should have been a scene where Captain America and Tony Stark stop, look directly into the camera, and say, “We will now pause so you can check your phone.” You could even let the actors break character and talk to each other so no one in the theater would feel like they were inconveniencing anyone.

I don’t care what Rotten Tomatoes says, this movie straight up stunk. Take it from me, a casual comic book fan who has never actually picked up a comic book, but did read half the Wikipedia entry for the Guardians of the Galaxy.

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