8 Things Ted Cruz Can Do Now That He Won’t Be President


Now that Ted Cruz has officially dropped out of the Republican primary, here are some things he can spend his time doing:

* Making hack, played-out “Cruz is the Zodiac Killer” jokes about himself. Everyone else is doing it, why not him?

* Returning to his old standby of being a generally off-putting Senator instead of a generally off-putting presidential candidate.

* Trying to swallow a pig whole, as would any self respecting anaconda dressed up as a person.

* Returning his “family” of paid actors to their actual families.

* Investigating the science behind the movie Face/Off to see if the whole face swapping thing is really possible, because he ain’t winning any elections with that fuckin’ face.

* Watching the countless hours of depraved, probably illegal pornography he no doubt has stocked up in his basement dungeon.

* Endorsing Donald Trump at the GOP convention, then visiting a dentist after he grinds his teeth into a fine powder.

* Checking out Captain America: Civil War (What? They’re not all bad).


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