Now that Ted Cruz has officially dropped out of the Republican primary, here are some things he can spend his time doing:
* Making hack, played-out “Cruz is the Zodiac Killer” jokes about himself. Everyone else is doing it, why not him?
* Returning to his old standby of being a generally off-putting Senator instead of a generally off-putting presidential candidate.
* Trying to swallow a pig whole, as would any self respecting anaconda dressed up as a person.
* Returning his “family” of paid actors to their actual families.
* Investigating the science behind the movie Face/Off to see if the whole face swapping thing is really possible, because he ain’t winning any elections with that fuckin’ face.
* Watching the countless hours of depraved, probably illegal pornography he no doubt has stocked up in his basement dungeon.
* Endorsing Donald Trump at the GOP convention, then visiting a dentist after he grinds his teeth into a fine powder.
* Checking out Captain America: Civil War (What? They’re not all bad).