A Dog Walks Into A Bar

LincolnOne of my favorite parts of living in New York is that some bars let you bring your dog inside. I’m sure they do this other places but I’ve never lived anywhere else that does. Don’t yell at me, people who live in Austin (in general, I assume every bar in Austin lets you do whatever you want).

Can you think of a downside to this? I can’t. It’s like they figured out the only conceivable way to improve the somewhat overrated experience of getting drunk.

I love everything about it, including the seemingly desperate ploy to appeal to more customers. “What if people don’t think we’re fun enough?”

“Maybe we let them bring dogs?”

“Great idea! And why stop there? Let’s allow cats, mice, rabbits – hell, one of the busboys has a snake, let’s bring that in too! Then we’ll change our name to ‘Ark’ and spend 68% of our day cleaning up animal shit!”

It really is a genius strategy. Who’s going to get mad? What kind of horrible person would you have to be to get upset there’s a dog at the bar? Like some drunk businessman is going to get on the floor so he’s at eye level with a French bulldog yelling at him: “Hey…hey pal…I don’t come to your house and lay next to your water dish. This isn’t my house but I’m here so much it may as well be. Its been a rough month is all, my wife just left me. Hey can you….(burps)…can you teach me how to lick my balls?”

The other great thing about bringing your dog with you while you drink is that it gives the dog an added sense of purpose on the walk home. You take my dog for a normal walk, so what? Dogs do that all the time. You take your dog for a walk after you just got ripped, barely able to stumble around? Congrats, you just turned old Fido into a service dog. Looks great on a dog resume.

The next step of course, is to somehow make it so dogs can drink with us. They’re already man’s best friend so becoming man’s drinking buddy only makes sense. The science isn’t there yet because alcohol would no doubt wreak havoc on a dog’s insides, but I hope it will be one day. You know how your friends can be lame sometimes when you try to convince them to have “just one more” or to do a shot? No self respecting chocolate lab is letting you take that Red Headed Slut by your lonesome.

If you’re a single guy, I can think of a better possible wing man than a dog. The dog’s presence alone is a perfect conversation starter and icebreaker. And due to the species’ natural sense of loyalty, you know a dog knows the right moment to bow out so you could go about closing the deal.

If you don’t have a dog? No problem. Once dogs are allowed to drink at bars, maybe you’ll meet an entirely new one once you get there. How great would it be, after a tough day at work, to sit down at your local watering hole and see a German shepherd toasting in your direction with his kibble-flavored IPA?

Get on this, scientists. Make it so dogs can not just come to the bars we go to, but also get wasted with us.

(P.S. The dog in the picture above is my brother and sister-in-law’s dog Lincoln, who would without a doubt be one of my top dog drinking buddies if this ever comes to fruition). 


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