My Specific Fear of a Home Invasion is Irrational

Home invasions are scary and I understand they really happen. It’s a rational fear in and of itself. But my specific fear of them doesn’t make sense.

I live in New York, one of the world’s biggest cities. As a comedian going to shows, I walk the streets at night (sometimes very late) generally unconcerned about being attacked or anything like that. The only time I get freaked out by the idea of someone attacking me, or more specifically breaking into my apartment, is in the middle of the night, when I  get up to pee. That’s when I expect it to happen, for some reason. I’ll even check the shower to make sure no one’s in there.

Here’s why that’s stupid: if there was a crazy guy with the goal of attacking me, why would he  wait until I was awake? Me being asleep is the biggest possible advantage for a home invader. Seems like coming right into the bedroom is a sure fire way to win this battle. And what do I expect to see? Some psychopath in a drug-fueled rage waiting for me with a crowbar in hand, saying, “I’m going to beat the shit out of you, but I wanted it to at least be a fair fight.”

Also, the fear of a guy waiting in the shower is weird too. Of all the places for a psychopath to go in the house, why wait there? “Hey before I attacked you and your girl I just wanted to wash up real quick. Question: do you have any Selsun Blue? I have dry scalp.”

In fact, why would the guy try to hide anywhere? It’s a home invasion, not a surprise party. He’s not going to pop out like, “Did I get you?!?! Are you shocked?!?  My crackhead buddy waiting on the fire escape didn’t spoil it, did he? Good, I have this weird condition where I can’t commit crimes unless the victim’s been caught off guard.” Then he and I share a good laugh over a slice of HAPPY HOME INVASION cake he brought me.

Anyway, these are the kinds of things I think about while refusing to invest in a home security system. Or a baseball bat.


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