Your Car Is 100% Gay

Walking through an intersection, I saw a car pulled over by a cop who had yet to address him. I don’t recall what kind of car it was. Some kind of sports car.

Some meathead in another type of car pulls up next to him, rolls down his window. Yells out:

“Hey bro! That car you’re driving…is 100% gay.”

He then peeled out and sped off to enjoy the rest of his day, presumably buying Affliction shirts in bulk.

What’s interesting to me is not the fact that the mouthbreather called the other guy’s car gay (although, why in the year 2016 anyone would care about a car’s sexual preference is beyond me).

What I liked was how he said the car was 100% gay. He wanted no doubt where he felt this guy’s car fell on the Kinsey scale. I’m sure this made the insult all the more devastating in his pea brain. “Calling his car gay ain’t enough. Let me put a percentage on it!” Maybe he went through various drafts as he approached. “‘Your car is at least 50% gay judging by the shape of the front bumper!’ Eh, that’s no good. ‘Your car is 75% gay, depending on how many daiquiris its had!’ That’s not enough either. Hmm. I don’t usually take these kind of drastic measures, but in order to really drive this point home, I may have to up my diagnosed gayness percentage all the way up…to 100.”

I guess if you think calling someone (or hilariously, someTHING) gay is inherently an insult, taking it to the extreme makes sense. You have to go all in. Taking a half measure would translate to, in his dim-witted head, a mediocre insult:

“Hey bro. That car you’re driving? It’s bi-curious after going through an experimental phase in college but is afraid to come out due to his strict Baptist upbringing. Your car WOULD be gay if his automobile father wasn’t such a bigot.” See? Doesn’t have the same effect.

Or maybe he wasn’t saying it as an insult. Maybe he’s a staunch ally of the LGBT community, and I couldn’t hear the last thing he said. “Aye yo bro, your car is 100% gay.” He then leans in and whispers: “Just let it know that it gets better.” Cue AC/DC’s Back in Black as the meathead peels out, giving a thumbs up while he kisses his rainbow bracelet in solidarity.

I’m going to guess that last scenario wasn’t the case, but I like to assume the best of humanity.


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