Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens this Thursday night and suffice to say it is the most anticipated film of all time. Set to take 30 years after the events of Return of the Jedi, there’s been a shroud of secrecy over the original trilogy’s main character, Luke Skywalker. He’s been absent from most of the film’s promotional materials and rumor has it the plot of the film centers around the search for Luke.
Whatever the case may be, Luke has to have been doing something for the last 30 years. But what, exactly? I have a few ideas:
You know how Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nicolas Cage go to Japan and get paid assloads to appear in some embarrassing commercial because they figure it will never been seen in the States? Couldn’t you see Luke, with his blazing hot Q rating after taking down the Empire, making a similar deal to go pitch some Bothan energy drink?
OPENING A JEDI ACADEMY
Star Wars nerds (and especially fans of the mostly insufferable “Expanded Universe” books and comics) have long trumpeted the idea of Luke opening a school just for Jedis. This would be kind of cool as long as it was a proper school and not some kind of DeVry for the Force-sensitive. Nobody wants to see the hero of all heroes on a daytime TV commercial with an 888 number plastered over his face.
COPING WITH THE FACT THAT HE MOST DEFINITELY LUSTED AFTER HIS SISTER
You know what? I know I started this joke but even I don’t feel comfortable finishing it. Like all true Star Wars fans, the thought of Luke and Leia making out in Empire still makes me queasy. Next item.
As a tribute to his departed Master Yoda, Luke heads back to his old stamping grounds to spruce the place up a bit. Of course this inevitably leads to residents of Dagobah’s swamps complaining about rising property values after Luke replaces Yoda’s old hut with a Pinkberry.
PENNING HIS MEMOIRS
“Many warned me not to trust the mysterious and aging Kenobi, but in time I found he was wise, kind and willing put himself in harm’s way to save me.” Holy shit, I just realized Obi Wan’s story arc in A New Hope is the exact same as Old Man Marley’s in Home Alone.
APPEARING AT THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE VERSION OF STAR WARS CONVENTIONS
Just because Star Wars conventions exist in our world doesn’t mean they can’t exist in Luke’s world as well. Couldn’t you see Luke signing copies of his glossy 8×10 headshots for a massive line of space virgins at the Cloud City Convention Center?
PLAYING THE SPACE EQUIVALENT OF GOLF WITH CHEWBACCA
When The Force Awakens begins, I don’t know if Luke is in self-imposed exile or if he’s been kidnapped. What I do know is if he does have any free time, I’m sure he’s hanging with old buddy Chewbacca. Maybe they hit the space links for 18 holes. Or 18 garnocks, whatever the weird sounding Star Wars equivalent would be. Honestly, this one is a weak premise, I just like the idea of Luke and Chewie driving a golf cart around in polo shirts and khakis.
GETTIN’ KNEE DEEP IN SPACE PUSS
C’mon. He’s Luke frigging Skywalker. This one’s a given.