Few characters in fiction are as revered as James Bond. Women long for a man with his charisma. Men wish for his lifestyle as a secret agent playboy. From his tailored tuxedos to the beautiful women he beds to the dangerous missions he takes part in, everything about Bond represents the alpha male ideal.
Which begs the question: do ya think he ever has himself a muffin?
The only time we see Bond eat, it’s the finest cuisine in a five star restaurant. What are the odds Bond ever found himself hungry one morning, wiped the sleep from his eyes and thought, “Man, you know what I could go for, for breakfast? A muffin.” Would he ever do that? Is that the type of item he’d eat for breakfast, or at any point in the day?
It’s quite the juxtaposition. Here you have an incredibly suave, stylish secret agent. The muffin is a big, bulbous version of a cupcake. Would the two ever cross paths? I’d say the average guy probably eats anywhere from 1-3 muffins per month. How would Bond’s muffin consumption stack up to that? More? Less? Would his busy schedule restrict him from eating muffins, or would his unique skill set actually afford him increased muffin access not enjoyed by the common man?
If so, what kind would he get?
Also: in what situation would he get one? Maybe one morning he wakes up after defeating some evil mastermind and his hulking henchman the night before. He strolls around the streets of Rome with an impossibly beautiful women clinging to him after a night of ravenous lovemaking. As they pass a Starbucks jam-packed with tourists, she coos in his ear, asking how he plans to defile her later. Bond smirks. ‘Well, my dear…” He trails off as his gaze catches the sight of the Starbucks display case. “Uh …um…hold up do you think that’s chocolate chip or blueberry?” Then he pushes her and several other passersby out of the way to go check the muffin situation.
On one hand, there’s something about the thought of Bond taking a huge bite out of a muffin that doesn’t quite jive with the character’s mythos. On the other hand, muffins are really good. I’ll say this: let’s say one of the Bond villains catches him, straps him into a chair and FORCES him to eat one. Then he administers a truth serum and asks Bond if he enjoyed it. I’d bet $100 Bond says yes. I bet he’d even say something like, “Not only did I love it: I’d eat it daily if I wasn’t bound by the pressure of upholding my image as a non-muffin eating playboy spy.” Then he’d try to get out of his shackles in a vain attempt at getting the rest of the muffin.
Ultimately, just the thought of it flies in the face of all conventional logic. Try to imagine Bond in the Aston Martin on his way to go investigate something, cramming a double chocolate in his face. He knows he doesn’t really have enough time to finish it which makes his task even more hurried. He’s swerving all over the road. Crumbs are flying everywhere, including all over his white tuxedo jacket as he says, “Aw shit!” softly while still talking to M. He brushes it away, but that just rubs it in even further, setting the stain.
“007, what is it?”
“Uh, nothing M, I got it, kill Oddjob and defuse the bomb.”
“Did you get muffins on your jacket again?”
“Uh…you’re breaking up.”
The verdict: no, I don’t believe James Bond ever had a muffin. Thanks for reading. Tune in next week where I tackle another hot button topic: would James Bond have himself a muffin if he were played by a black guy?