Black Friday was last week and it was marked by brawls at many stores throughout the nation. The violence has reached near epidemic-levels and it’s sad. Malls the day after Thanksgiving shouldn’t be the place for senseless violence. That’s what IHOPs after midnight are for.
Whether you participate in Black Friday or not, we can all agree the direction it’s headed in is unhealthy. Changes need to be made. But on the flip side, you can’t just tell businesses not to open; that would be downright un-American. So I’ve come up with a compromise:
We, as a nation, must adopt Purge rules on Black Friday.
8pm on Thanksgiving night, all businesses are allowed to open while police and emergency services stop responding to calls. You can do whatever you want until 8 the next day. No laws, no repercussions. Sound unreasonable? Here’s why it’s not:
BLACK FRIDAY PRETTY MUCH ALREADY IS THE PURGE
This isn’t that far from our current reality based on some of the stampede videos I’ve seen. Have you been to a mall on Black Friday? All they’re missing is a few punks with scary white face paint and an uninspired performance from Ethan Hawke. Let’s make this inevitability official.
FIRST RESPONDERS DESERVE A DAY OFF AROUND THE HOLIDAYS ANYWAY
Police, doctors, and EMTs are always expected to work Thanksgiving and Christmas. They should get one day during the holiday season to kick back with an adult beverage, look outside their window to see people beaten to a pulp begging for help and be able to say, “Nope. Today is about me!”
INCREASED CHAOS MAY LEAD TO INCREASED ORDER
Legalize something and you remove the taboo. Once fighting is allowed, people will either realize how ridiculous it is and stop or at least do it in a more organized manner. I can’t think of a healthier way to deal with holiday season stress than joining a well-structured Fight Club at your local Target.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU ACTUALLY “EARNED” YOUR MERRY CHRISTMAS?
Sure, you buy plenty of gifts now. But other than spending money, what do you really DO to deserve them? I’d argue not enough. You want that iPad for 50% off? Fight for it! You’ll smile a lot wider watching your kid play with his new remote control BB-8 if you beat off 12-15 ruffians for it with a club. Just make sure you smile in a way that your kid can’t see your missing tooth.
IT WILL REINFORCE THE MEANING FOR THE SEASON
Nothing will make you appreciate a gift you received from a family member more than knowing he or she had to merk several fools to get it for you. You can even work it into your speech when you say grace for Christmas dinner: “Thank you Lord for this bountiful meal you’ve provided for us. And also thanks for boxcutters. Wouldn’t have gotten our new HDTV without one of those.”
See? It all makes perfect sense. So hop on it, President Obama!