- Tuesday, September 22, 2015
- 4pm: Pope Francis arrives in D.C. at Joint Base Andrews. He’ll then head directly to D.C. to meet President Obama for dinner at Ben’s Chili Bowl on U Street. They’ll both remark remark how weird it is to see the mural of Cosby’s big rapist face. The Pope then uses his sleeve to wipe some chili from his mouth before he asks Obama, “So you think he did that shit, right?” while Obama replies, “Oh no doubt.”
- Wednesday, September 23, 2015
- 9:15 a.m: White House Welcoming Ceremony and personal meeting with President Barack Obama. Plans to get the President’s thoughts on His Holiness’s ideas for Catholicism’s new slogan. The favorite in the clubhouse right now? “Catholicism: the official religion of pullin’ out.”
- 11:00 a.m. Papal Parade along the Ellipse and the National Mall. Rumor has it he’ll have one of those cannons that shoots Chipotle burritos into the stands at Wizards games.
- 11:30 a.m: Midday Prayer with U.S. bishops at Saint Matthew’s Cathedral in D.C. Will follow that by asking the group, “Okay, quick show of hands: which one of you has banged kids? Okay…1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6…okay I’m done counting. No more doing that fellas.”
- 4:15 p.m: Junipero Serra Canonization Mass at the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. He’ll then hold another mass at the National Shrine of the Immaculate Reception, which is just a cart Franco Harris set up outside the Capitol selling Steelers’ shit.
- Thursday, September 24, 2015
- 9:20 a.m: Arrival at Capitol. Will grab a mic and say, “Fiiiiiinnnalllllly..the POPE…has come back….TO THE CAPITOL,” like the Rock used to.
- 10 a.m. Speech to the Senate and House of Representatives. Plans to reveal his support for the presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders due to his bias for old guys with white hair.
- 11:15 a.m: Visit to St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in D.C. and Catholic Charities of the Archdiocese of Washington. Is already practicing doing the thing where he pulls his pockets out and shrugs to show how he has no money to donate.
- 4 p.m: Departure for New York from Joint Base Andrews (D.C.). Leaving from a military base may or may not cause him to pretend he’s Tom Cruise from Top Gun as they take off.
- 5 p.m. Arrival at John F. Kennedy International Airport (New York). Plans to turn to his handlers, frightened, and ask, “Th-th-th-is place being named after JFK doesn’t mean it’s haunted by the ghost of JFK, does it?”
- 6:45 p.m. Evening prayer at St. Patrick’s Cathedral (New York). Afterwards he’ll head to a nearby bar to catch the end of happy hour to enjoy some discounted New York City cocktails for $15.
- Friday, September 25, 2015
- 8:30 a.m United Nations General-Assembly. Remarks will include a list of nations it’s okay to bomb as far as the church is concerned.
- 11:30 a.m Multi-religious service at 9/11 Memorial and Museum, World Trade Center. Closing line: “God loves all of you!” followed by him leaning aside and whispering into a cupped hand, “But really only the Catholics.”
- 4 p.m. Visit to Our Lady Queen of Angels School in East Harlem. Proves he’s really good at doing one of those “rhyme while you jump rope” things the kids do.
- 5 p.m. Papal motorcade through Central Park. Planned activities include waving, resting his arm when it gets tired from waving, more waving, and an occasional middle finger to make sure everyone’s paying attention.
- 6 p.m. Madison Square Garden Mass. Pope to ask, “So how long before they trade Carmelo? Two months? Three? Aren’t you glad you sent half your team to Denver for that?”
- Saturday, September 26, 2015
- 8:40 a.m Departure for Philadelphia from JFK. Will spend half the flight on the can after devouring a to-go container full of mystery meat from a questionable halal cart.
- 9:30 a.m Arrival in Atlantic Aviation hangar at Philadelphia International Airport. Panders to the crowd by saying, “Fuck Chip Kelly, right? What is that guy doing?” before revealing a fake “#BringBackShady” tattoo on his chest.
- 10:30 a.m Mass at Cathedral Basilica of Sts. Peter and Paul. May lighten the mood with a joke: “We’ve got Peter and Paul, now where’s Mary?!?! Sike – we all know that per church doctrine, women are inferior to men and therefore not to be placed on equal footing.”
- 4:45 p.m Visit to Independence Mall. Will try to hawk the rest of his spoken word CDs he self produced when he was an assistant pope on the come-up.
- 7:30 p.m Visit to Festival of Families at Benjamin Franklin Parkway and Prayer Vigil with World Meeting of Families. Wait, is that a real thing? “World Meeting of Families” sounds like a charity George Costanza would make up.
- Sunday, September 27, 2015
- 9:15 a.m Papal meeting with Bishops at St. Martin’s Chapel, St. Charles Borromeo Seminary. Will ask, “Okay…how many of YOU sick fucks have fucked kids?”
- 11 a.m Visit to Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility. Will whip out guitar and pretend like he’s going to start playing like Johnny Cash in Folsom but then at the last second will condemn them all to Hell.
- 7 p.m. Visit with organizers, volunteers and benefactors of the World Meeting of Families at Atlantic Aviation. Again, this sounds like a total scam. Wouldn’t be surprised if you look at their paperwork and see Pope Francis’s name all over the LLC filings.
- 8 p.m Departure for return to Rome. Sleeps happily on the flight back with his two most prized souvenirs from his trip: an e-cigarette and a Trump 2016 shirt.