* A quick “lightning round” every few minutes in which every candidates talks at once.
* Every time the camera cuts to Chris Christie he’ll be eating a giant sandwich and have a surprised look on his face like he wasn’t expecting to get called on yet.
* “First question: do you think Drake writes his own shit?”
* The moderator will begin with, “Let’s save time and just give you all Fox News contributor deals now,” at which point they’ll all accept and the debate will end.
* Donald Trump will bring a couple cymbals to bang together whenever someone else is talking.
* There will be a large window behind the candidates where Rick Perry will stand the whole time, peering in longingly.
* Frequent “physical challenges” where the candidates are asked to either arm wrestle or measure dicks.
* To prove he’s the “most pro-life candidate,” Ted Cruz will introduce his plan to revive all aborted fetuses and give them a big muscleman suit to ride around in like Krang from the Ninja Turtles.
* To court Minnesota voters Marco Rubio will make repeated references to “hooping it up with my cousin Ricky.”
* Expect “Jaw-Droppingly Hot In A Two-Piece” John Kasich to clean up during the swimsuit portion.
* Mitt Romney will wander onstage at some point, assuming he’s supposed to be there. Nobody questions this as they too assumed he’s supposed to be there.
* Dr. Ben Carson will end all his responses with, “I mean, it isn’t brain surgery. And I would know. I’m a brain surgeon,” then wink at the audience.
* The whole thing ends with a big ol’ sloppy 10-way.