“The Best Wild Bird Feed In Town”

I went to visit my folks recently in Fredericksburg, Virginia. My Dad drives me to the train station and on the way we pass a farm and garden store with a big sign outside:


I realize people feed wild birds outside their house all the time. You put some seeds in a bird feeder and get to watch a blue jay for a few seconds. But the phrase “wild birds” seems a little out of place there, don’t you think? When I think of wild birds, I don’t think of cute little robins. I think of a bald eagle. A ferocious killer who has to rustle up its own prey.

Do you know how offended a wild bird like that would be if you tried to feed it? I guarantee if you try to hand an eagle a fish, he’s taking your patronizing ass up with him.

What if some guy who feeds ACTUAL wild birds shows up thinking the same thing? “You guys got any fish? My bald eagle is feeling lazy today.” “You guys got any goats? The giant hawk who soars over the gulch in my backyard doesn’t wanna go out.” “You guys got any people? The terrifying new kind of giant bird I discovered outside my house that eats people doesn’t feel like doing his own work at the moment. Why are you calling the cops?”

Also, “the best?” How many other places in town are selling this stuff? And how do you make one brand of bird seed taste better than another? It’s all just seeds right? Are there bird seed manufacturers out there lacing their product with crack to attract the most wild birds? “Our feed will have dozens of birds flocking to your bird house every day!” Then you have like, 18 robins in your backyard sucking the stuff down trying to scratch the imaginary bugs on their beak! An grouse missing a bunch of feathers is at your door offering to do anything for more of the stuff. And he means anything.

Anyway, just some thoughts for the fine people who run that farm and garden store who will never read this.


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