Ant-Man (July 2015)
Paul Rudd stars as the first superhero to continually remind everyone he has an adequately sized penis.
Captain America: Civil War (May 2016)
Steve Rogers and Tony Stark take in a weekend at historic Gettysburg dressed as Confederate and Union generals to reenact one of our country’s most famous battles.
Doctor Strange (November 2016)
Benedict Cumberbatch stars as a doctor with a wispy mustache who is waaaay too into anime. Everyone at work says the same thing: “Yeah, Stephen’s nice and all but he’s just….I can’t put a finger on it but there’s something “off” about him. He’s just strange.”
Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (May 2017)
This time the Guardians deal with angry neighbors upset over Rocket digging through their garbage.
Untitled Spiderman Movie (July 2017)
No title for this one yet, though the working title is reportedly, “Marvel’s Spiderman: You Can Thank North Korean Hackers For This One.”
Thor: Ragnarok (November 2017)
The theme song for this one will sound exactly like the theme from Fraggle Rock only with Ragnarok substituted.
Black Panther (July 2018)
Marvel dips their toes into the documentary waters, providing a gripping first hand account of the late 60’s Black Power/Civil Rights era.
Avengers: Infinity War Part I and II (May 2018/2019)
At this point, Marvel will have made so much money on these movies they may just put Batman and Superman in these followed by a title card: “Yeah, we know we’re not allowed to use ’em. We don’t give a shit. Sue us. We’ve got the money.”
I’ll be honest….I don’t know what the fuck this is and I don’t even give a shit.