INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA (AP) – In response to Indiana’s “Religious Freedom Restoration” Act, the governor of homosexuality has banned all Indiana politicians from participating in any and all gay activities.
“Indiana’s recent legislation is without a doubt aids in the discrimination of the LGBT community so long as the LGBT community is not specifically protected from it within the law,” said Governor Steve Masterson, elected by the homosexual community to the position in 2013. “And since one can only assume such blatant discrimination is simply an expression of latent homoerotic desires, we figured banning all Indiana politicians and legislators from partaking in homosexual activity would be appropriate punishment. Seeing as how, you know, they very clearly want to partake.”
“You hear that, Governor Pence?” Masterson added. “No butt stuff.”
The controversial measures come after Indiana enacted its so-called “religious freedom” law, which has drawn ire around the country towards Indiana governor Mike Pence. Leading homosexual legislators agreed the only appropriate response was to deny these uptight Indiana politicians the guilty pleasure they so obviously crave: carnal knowledge of another man.
“This isn’t just about sex either,” said Masterson, flanked by his Lieutenant Governor who also happens to be the cop from the Village People. “Gay culture, fashion, style, you name it, they can’t participate. We’ve already seized DVD copies of The Bird Cage from several of their houses.”
Reporters caught up with a surprised Pence for comment outside a department store bathroom. “Uh, could you guys give me a second, I wasn’t expecting this,” said Pence, furiously buckling his belt. “There we go…okay…as I was saying, this legislation is not meant to discriminate but to preserve the religious freedom of business owners. In response to Governor Masterson’s latest decree about gay stuff, all I can say is -”
Pence was interrupted by a man in a gimp outfit running out of the bathroom in a full sprint. The man then coughed a ball gag out of his mouth and exclaimed, “Freedom!” at the top of his lungs as he scurried through the men’s department.
“Uh….” stammered Pence. “That was the uh…Lieutenant Governor.”
Indiana state senator Thomas Malone was also surprised by the move. “This is all a big misunderstanding. This is not about discrimination,” said Malone, eyeing up the bicep of a particularly buff reporter. “Besides, banning us from being gay isn’t even a punishment, y’know? We’re totally not gay.” When asked by another reporter if Malone’s father knew he was gay, Malone gasped, “No…I mean, I’m not…look, I like chicks, okay? Back off!”
Malone then shouted: “Gay bakers shouldn’t have to make cock cakes for gay couples if they don’t wanna!” before storming off in a huff, but not without glancing back at the buff reporter’s chiseled jawline once more for good measure.
The gay community’s response to Indiana’s legal intolerance has not been met without some backlash. Bigots everywhere have pledged to boycott all gay activities throughout the nation in response, to which the gay community has basically said, yeah, sure. Go for it.
Still, Pence is attempting to alleviate fears of discrimination. “Obviously, I want all my constituents to feel welcome, including the homosexual community,” said Pence. “I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, lesbian, transgender, or a bodybuilder with immaculate pecs giving me a piggyback ride on a beach at sunset as we both sip strawberry daiquiris while our chihuahuas run alongside us, pacing us stride for stride. And as we look into each other’s eyes, our souls connect and we realize that the rest stop bathroom we met at was more than just a stroke of good luck. It was fate. You, in your mesh v-neck. Me, in my fake moustache and t-shirt that read, ‘I am totally not Indiana Governor Mike Pence.’ Right then, we knew our forbidden love was meant to be.”
Pence was then shaken out of his reverie by a nearby aide and stated, “I’m sorry, what….what were we talking about?”