Jon Stewart announced this week he will step down as host of The Daily Show. The Internet immediately went into mourning and then, just as quickly, began speculating on his replacement. Today I’ll make the case for why choosing me would be the right choice, for me.
It would be tremendously helpful for my comedy career.
Hosting your own late night television program on a major cable channel like Comedy Central would alert millions to my comedy. I would instantly go from a little known comedian to being someone that many people know. This would translate to more exposure and more gigs, which leads me to my next point…
I would be paid a lot of money.
I don’t know how much Jon Stewart makes, but I assume it’s a lot. Even if I make a fraction of that, it’s going to represent a significant raise for me.
My friends and family would be very proud of me.
You have to admit, “Oh, nothing, just hosting The Daily Show,” is a great answer to that eternal question of, “Hey, how’s comedy going?” This will definitely impress everyone who knows me. Impressing as many people as possible is an important part to leading a happy life.
It will really show everyone who ever doubted me.
All you haters out there who forgot to jump on the Mike Eltringham Bandwagon – here’s a hand towel to wipe that egg off your face. Can you imagine the look on the face of those dudes who bullied me back in 8th grade seeing me on The Daily Show? Like, imagine them eating a bowl of cereal in their dilapidated apartment during my first show. They’re surrounded by Chinese containers and lots of trash and shit. Then 11:00 p.m., they’ve got Comedy Central on, and BAM – they drop their spoon and open their mouths in shock, as their I am, giving them the finger, saying, “FUCK YOU, KURT WILSON, DAN MALLOY, AND JERRY ROBBINS! TOLD YOU I’D AMOUNT TO SOMETHING, ASSFACES!” Then they watch as I’m removed off the air and fired immediately. But it was all worth it, just to show those jerkoffs that I’m better than them.
So for those reasons, I think it would be a very good thing for me if I was selected as the next host of The Daily Show.