It’s New Years’ Day and you were most likely out partying last night, which means you’ve got to deal with the dreaded New Years’ Day hangover. Pounding headache, unsettling dizziness, and irritating nausea are all common symptoms of having a bit too much to drink. I’ve got you covered, though. Here are my 6 foolproof ways to cure a hangover:
Saltines, Ritz, Wheat Thins, whatever. To help with your nausea, crackers are a light, low-cal way to put some food in your tummy without upsetting it further!
Avoid The Poor Life Choices That Lead You To Binge Drink
What’s so bad about your life that you have to drain everything out with hours upon hours of alcohol in the first place? Address that first. Get to the root of the problem. Take a second from your well-deserved physical and emotional misery the day after your New Years’ bender to make a list of all the things you did wrong in your life that led you to believe spending an entire night drinking Jack and Cokes would be a proper way to “celebrate,” and then promptly eliminate them. You should feel bad about what you did.
Fast food like McDonald’s, Burger King, or KFC may not be healthy, but the fried goodness will help line the walls of your stomach and absorb the alcohol faster!
Accept That You Are Just A Bad Person Who Will End Up the Same Way Next New Years’ Eve (Hell, Probably Next Week)
It’s to the point where your drinking defines you and everyone who cares about you is worried, to be quite honest. You drink heavily to celebrate pretty much any minuscule life event (“Just saw Cousin Terry had a baby on Facebook. Let’s do shots!”). Drinking heavily under the guise of, “Eh, it’s New Years!” doesn’t change the fact that this is a sickness. This isn’t some sort of isolated incident, it’s a habit. Do you think your precious “resolutions” will save you from yourself? Your drinking is not only a character flaw, it also makes you 100% morally bankrupt and beyond saving. I’m not even sure why I’m yelling at you; it’s not like you’d change even if you wanted to. Which you don’t.
Drink PLENTY of Gatorade
Alcohol causes us to urinate more as we drink, and we therefore get more dehydrated. While it’s important to hydrate as the night goes on, the next morning you should drink a combination of water AND Gatorade. The Gatorade will help you hydrate as well replenish much-needed electrolytes!
Construct A Time Machine, Go Back To When You Had Your First Beer, Slap It Out of Your Hand, Grab Yourself By The Shoulders and Shake Some Sense Into Yourself
It’s your absolute last option. Tell yourself, “Is this what you want out of life? To spend your New Years’ Eve in the basement of a bunch of semi-friendly strangers whose only concerned is getting wasted? What of that novel you planned to write? How about your screenplay? As a child you had so many aspirations that seemed so far away. What if I told you they weren’t, if only you can stop drinking now so you can later avoid taking 14 shots of Patron while wearing a cardboard top hat with “2015” stenciled on it in glitter? Drop that red solo cup you’re currently holding in one of your high school friends’ parents’ basement and go immediately start working on your coming of age screenplay about a kid who quits drinking and writes a novel. The world is yours, all you have to do is give up on its tempting, evil vices and go out there and grab it!”
Oh, and also, don’t forget to put a cold ice pack on your head. Good luck with your recovery, and Happy New Year!