5 Ways We Can Improve New York City

nycI’ve lived in New York for a year and some change and I’ve already grown to love it. But I think everyone who lives here can agree our great city still has some major shortcomings. After doing a little brainstorming, here are some changes I’d make if I were mayor:

Train the pigeons to act with a little class and not shit on stuff: I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but there are pigeons (and pigeon shit) everywhere. Worse yet, no one seems to be doing anything about it. What I’d do is appoint a bird trainer (call him or her my “pigeon czar”) to teach these “rats with wings” to act a little more gentlemanly and lady-like. Then you set up designated areas for them to duke in (Staten Island maybe?) and teach them to 2 there exclusively.

Train the pigeons to turn off car alarms: How hard can it be to teach a bird to shit in a specific place? Once the pigeon czar is done with the shit thing, teach the pigeons how to turn off those annoying car alarms you hear in the middle of the night while you’re trying to sleep. This benefits everyone. The pigeons get a well-needed sense of purpose, we all get more rest, and believe me, I’ll be much more inclined to give pigeons breadcrumbs if I know they’re responsible for helping me get some well-needed rest.

Train the pigeons to replace Derek Jeter: After the retirement of New York Yankee legend Derek Jeter, the Yankees traded for shortstop Didi Gregorious to replace him. I don’t know who the fuck that is. Sounds like if Puff Daddy became a monk. Now that we’ve proven the pigeons are smart enough to be housetrained and work car alarms, baseball shouldn’t be too hard. Round up the most athletic of the bunch, see which one can execute the jump throw from the hole at short, and boom: you’re good at the top of the lineup for the next 20 years.

Train the pigeons to be police: Once you select the top pigeon to be the next captain of the Yankees, what will you be left with? 100-200 athletic specimens who didn’t quite make the cut. Why not teach them how to handle a firearm and send them out on the streets? The best part is that what with their flying ability, they won’t even need police cars. So now you’re saving on fuel costs AND saving the environment. That’s green. Which leads us to our final point:

Train the pigeons who joined the police force to not kill citizens: This one is pretty critical. During the pigeon czar’s police academy (complete with a pigeon who makes wacky noises like in the Police Academy movies), make sure to issue explicit instructions not to apply chokeholds, shoot, or do anything else that might kill people unless it’s actually necessary. Also stress that despite the fact that they are policebirds, they are in no way above the law and will be tried if they do illegal things as any other member of society would. Now granted, birds can’t really apply chokeholds, but that part may need to be adapted (“peck with caution”) but you get the gist of it.

So there you have it. Follow my five step plan, and you’ve got a city with:
* A police force that doesn’t kill its citizens (and can fly)
* A kickass shortstop who can make the jumpthrow from the hole at short (or as sportswriters will no doubt call it, the “flythrow”)
* No car alarms
* No pigeon shit everywhere

Your move, Mayor DeBlasio.

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