I understand we all have different problems or interests, like soccer or war, but there’s something more important we all need to be focusing on. Did you know there are fish-eating spiders on every continent except Antarctica?
If you’re confused, let me clear something up for you: that means there are spiders hunting and eating fish. The same fish humans eat. The same fish bears eat. Spiders are competing with us and bears now, for food. You may see one with a picnic basket or a jar of honey.
These vicious murderers are climbing out of the water, murdering fish, and savagely eating them. It’s not peaceful fishing, like we’re used to. There’s no spider leisurely napping in a boat somewhere with a line cast, a pile of Bud Light cans strewn about his pontoon boat.
I’m terrified of spiders, and the thought of them actively hunting scares me even more. If they can figure out how to get a fish out of water into a web, who’s to say they’re not cooking up a scheme to get me into one? One second I’m leaving my house to get a bagel, the next second – BAM, I’m stuck in a web sharing a knowing nod with an equally stupid housefly.
The scariest thing about it is I’m human and I’ve never even caught a fish. Not only are they terrifying to look at, but now they’re technically more accomplished than me. If they can compete with me on this level, what’s stopping them from doing other things better than I do?
Let’s say I’m on my next job interview. It went well. The supervisor says, “We have a few other candidates to bring in as a formality, but I’ll be in touch.” Then as I walk out, a spider in a suit that’s way nicer than mine walks in with his hair slicked back all smooth-like. He even winks at me as he brushes lint off my shoulder, saying, “Nice suit. Was Macy’s having a sale?” as he chuckles condescendingly. Then him and the supervisor share a big laugh because it turns out the guy is old buddies with the spider’s Dad. The spider turns to me and shrugs as if to say, “What can I say? I guess some of us are just born winners,” as the door closes in my face like Kay Corleone.
You know he’s getting that job.
I can’t even picture how a spider would fish. Do they build webs in the water, or do they just wait for idiot fish who somehow found themselves out in the woods or wherever? I’ll never know. “Fish eating spider” is a Google Image Search wormhole I’m not ready to go down. Either way, it’s terrifying to think spiders are taking the initiative to do this. How’s the old saying go? “Feed a spider a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a spider how to fish and you’ll give Mike Eltringham nightmares for weeks.”
If spiders are fishing now, what’s next for them? Chicken? Shrimp? Am I going to walk past a giant web with a cow tangled in there while the spider winks at me and readies the A-1? And yes, if you’re wondering, that’s the same spider from the job interview. Winking is his thing.
Regardless of their next move, based on this fishing info my theory is spiders are going to be the next species to rule the planet. It’s not because they’re smarter than humans. But if they ever rose up against us, everybody would be too afraid to stop them. We’d get a big army together: “Okay, we got our guns, our knives, let’s take them on! Eww, that one in the front has hair on it. Oh well. Hey, how’s that Mars Expedition coming along?”
All I’m saying is we now live in an era where I can’t go to the seafood section of the grocery store to get salmon without running into a brown recluse, and I don’t like it.