Iraq has asked the U.S. to assist with air strikes against the terrorist forces of the Islamic State of Iraq and Greater Syria (ISIS). Its a tough call for President Obama. Being a military expert, I thought I’d recommend some some alternative strategies for the President to consider in handling this complicated issue:
* Approach the terrorists nicely and say, “Please stop.”
* Tell these jokers that if they keep it up, we may have our boys down at the IRS look a liiiiiitle bit closer into their finances.
* Kidnap the leader and switch his face with Obama’s like in Face/Off. Then have Obama address them and say, “Hey guys, instead of terrorism we decided to focus our energy on something more positive. We’re starting an improv group.”
* Arrange a meeting then when they mention heir name is ISIS, say, “Oh, like on Archer?” Then when they say no, tell them how great the show is and have a screening. After they’re done with the last episode, cuff ’em!
* Has anyone told them George Bush isn’t president anymore? I feel like if they realized there’s a new guy running things that may change their outlook.
* Go to the secret cell where we’re hiding Osama bin Laden and ask him a bunch of questions about terrorists like Clarice Starling with Hannibal Lecter.
* Ask FIFA to retroactively include Iraq in the World Cup so the Sunnis and Shi’ites can agree about SOMETHING.
* Instead of the standard U.S. surrender offer, this time offer them ass, gas, AND grass.
* Invite them to a private fundraiser gala with performances from your buddies Jay Z and Beyonce. They’ll be so star struck they’ll have no idea you’ve already cuffed ’em and thrown ’em in a paddy wagon!
* Give Rumsfeld and Cheney a pair of bayonets and a couple of old leather football helmets from the 30’s and tell them, “You started this mess, you go figure it out.”