10 Alternative Strategies to Use in Iraq

obamaIraq has asked the U.S. to assist with air strikes against the terrorist forces of the Islamic State of Iraq and Greater Syria (ISIS). Its a tough call for President Obama. Being a military expert, I thought I’d recommend some some alternative strategies for the President to consider in handling this complicated issue:

* Approach the terrorists nicely and say, “Please stop.”

* Tell these jokers that if they keep it up, we may have our boys down at the IRS look a liiiiiitle bit closer into their finances.

* Kidnap the leader and switch his face with Obama’s like in Face/Off. Then have Obama address them and say, “Hey guys, instead of terrorism we decided to focus our energy on something more positive. We’re starting an improv group.”

* Arrange a meeting then when they mention heir name is ISIS, say, “Oh, like on Archer?” Then when they say no, tell them how great the show is and have a screening. After they’re done with the last episode, cuff ’em!

* Has anyone told them George Bush isn’t president anymore? I feel like if they realized there’s a new guy running things that may change their outlook.

* Go to the secret cell where we’re hiding Osama bin Laden and ask him a bunch of questions about terrorists like Clarice Starling with Hannibal Lecter.

* Ask FIFA to retroactively include Iraq in the World Cup so the Sunnis and Shi’ites can agree about SOMETHING.

* Instead of the standard U.S. surrender offer, this time offer them ass, gas, AND grass.

* Invite them to a private fundraiser gala with performances from your buddies Jay Z and Beyonce. They’ll be so star struck they’ll have no idea you’ve already cuffed ’em and thrown ’em in a paddy wagon!

* Give Rumsfeld and Cheney a pair of bayonets and a couple of old leather football helmets from the 30’s and tell them, “You started this mess, you go figure it out.”


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