Richard Branson has announced his airline, Virgin Atlantic, will create the world’s first glass bottomed plane. I hate flying, so this sounds terrifying. Then I got a hold of an addendum to the original press release, and it seems like they’re making more changes and I don’t know if I’m just paranoid or what, but it sounds like those changes tap into even more of my fears specifically. Or maybe I’m just crazy. Here’s the release from Richard Branson:
As we announced a few weeks ago, Virgin Atlantic is introducing a glass bottomed plane so our passengers can enjoy the amazing view beneath their feet from the skies. But that’s there’s plenty more where that came from: starting in 2015, all Virgin Atlantic flights will also offer free parachutes for passengers who want to jump out of the plane. Why just ride in a plane when you can fall out of one, screaming as you plummet from an incredibly high altitude certain to kill you if your chute fails?
If you think that’s all we’re going to offer, you’re wrong. In 2016, we’re offering yet another new feature: extra turbulence. We’re going to encourage our pilots to do complicated aerial stunts to make sure the ride is bumpier and more exciting than ever before. We’ll have them doing loops and flying upside down all while stumbling out of the cockpit drunk while yelling, “Watch this!” to put everyone on edge. Then, to add to that element of danger, we’ll coach our flight attendants to look at each other with concerned expressions so the passengers know this isn’t normal.
But wait, there’s more! We’ve also got another great service coming up I’m psyched out of my mind about. In 2017, all Virgin Atlantic flights will be equipped with a feature where all oxygen masks will be replaced with nets full of angry, venomous tarantulas. That way, when the air pressure in the cabin drops as you start to panic, you’ll be able to witness the beautiful spectacle of these terrifying monsters crawling all about the cabin like they did in that one nightmare Mike Eltringham had when he was 7.
That all sounds great, but even that isn’t all we’ve got. No, in 2018 we’ll introduce our new entertainment service: an in-flight movie that shows Mike Eltringham’s future as a broken, penniless man who accomplished none of his life’s ambitions, abandoned by all those who loved him. We even got 300 year old actor Kirk Douglas to play older Mike so he’d look extra fragile.
Finally, in 2019 we’ll introduce our most exciting feature yet: no Coke on the in-flight drink service. We know Mike Eltringham really likes Coke, so all we’re going to offer is Diet Pepsi, Tab, Clear Pepsi, prune juice, and store brand cough medicine.
Thanks for flying Virgin Atlantic. Fuck Mike Eltringham.