This Will Change The Way You Look at National Donut Day Forever

Dunkin DonutsToday is National Donut Day (or doughnut, if you’re nasty). The holiday was created to honor those who served donuts to soldiers during war time. Now it’s to just used to honor..donuts, I guess? Dunkin’ Donuts even has a promotion where they’ll give anyone a free donut on this holiest of days.

Or do they?

Apparently this offer is a total sham. Boston.com’s Doug Saffir gave a complete breakdown of this treacherous deception pulled off by Dunkin’ Donuts, the biggest con artists in the donut game (Doug’s words are in bold):

“…you should probably know that you will not get a free donut at your local Dunkin’ Donuts. They will tell you it is free, but that is either a lie or a statement that comes from some deep confusion about what “free” actually means.”

That’s ridiculous. I have a hard time believing a donut distributor as successful as the Dunk could lack basic reading comprehension skills. There has to be more to this. Doug then posted their tweet:

Wait…we have to buy a drink to get a free donut? So you’re saying Dunkin’ Donuts LIED TO ME? But they’ve never steered me wrong before! Well, okay, there was that one time a Dunkin’ Donuts told me it would come to my Little League game and never showed. Or that time another Dunkin’ Donuts said it would pay me $50 to help it move its couch but then never did. Then there was time a third, separate Dunkin’ Donuts took me out a fantastic evening of dinner, drinks, dancing, and a really solid connection followed by a passionate night of lovemaking only for it to never call me again. You know what? In hindsight, maybe I should have seen this coming.

If you couldn’t tell by his earlier tone, the beverage clause did not make Doug E. Fresh happy:

See? They are happy to not charge you for your donut, but only if you give them money first. That is not free. That is you spending money in order to receive a donut, known commonly by its simpler description: “buying a donut.”

Doug Saffir’s message is clear: he wasn’t born yesterday. Don’t try and lure him in with the Siren’s song of free donuts all while waiting to ensnare him with the purchase of a beverage he didn’t even want. If Doug Saffir wants a bev, Doug Saffir can stay home and use the goddamn Keurig he recently purchased on Amazon, thankyouverymuch.

“But wait!” You might say. “If they’re not charging you for the donut, the donut is free!”

No I would not, Doug. I would not say that. I would say, “Oh, you have to buy a drink too? Um…okay, whatever. I’ve got a couple bucks in my pants here. Wait, what am I doing here? I don’t even want a donut. And why am I having a conversation about it with Boston.com’s Doug Saffir?”

No, the donut is free if you can walk in, ask for a donut, have a donut handed to you, and then walk out. But this is not what is happening.

Doug’s simmering, barely contained frustration leads me to believe this is going to end with him holding up multiple Dunkin’ Donuts in the New England area before leading Massachusetts State Police on a wild chase across the country that ends like Thelma and Louise but with donuts.

Sure, if you walk into your local Dunkin’ Donuts with the express purpose of buying a drink and, upon completing that transaction, are offered a donut at no additional charge, that’s a nice surprise and probably feels like “free.” But it’s not.

So does that mean that if you went in with the express purpose of buying a drink AND a donut, the donut would THEN in fact be free? Is it dependent on the customer’s original intent?  Just want to clear this up before the civil suit.

Free is when you get something for nothing. Dunkin’ Donuts’ National Donut Day promotion is when you get two somethings for the price of one of those somethings. That’s a pretty good deal, but that isn’t free.

You’re right Doug. Also: who gives a shit? I get that news outlets do puff pieces all the time, but this literally sounds like an argument an old guy would have with a Dunkin’ Donuts cashier earning minimum wage who just wants to clock off and go huff paint.

So there you have it: the myth of Dunkin’ Donuts offering you a free donut that you didn’t want anyway has been officially dispelled by public servant and national hero Doug Saffir. Stay tuned for Doug’s follow up pieces, including, “The Free Slurpees 7-11 Gives Away Are Smaller Than Normal Slurpees,” “I Don’t Like The Tone on This Denny’s Waitress,” and of course, “What Is A Bigger Injustice: the Boko Haram Kidnappings or Restaurants That Don’t Give You Free Refills on Your Soda?”

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