Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling is in hot water after a recording surfaced of him allegedly criticizing his girlfriend for posting a picture to Instagram of her with NBA legend Magic Johnson then asking her not to bring black people to Clippers games. While the NBA decides how to punish Sterling for his latest appalling display of racism, here are some ideas on what they can do to teach him a lesson:
* Hold his eyes open like in A Clockwork Orange and force him to watch an endless loop of 12 Years a Slave
* Make him take a cross country flight sitting between two minorities who are altogether fine people but boring conversationalists
* Before each episode of Game of Thrones he has it spoiled for him by a Mexican guy who read the books
* Prohibit him from employing players of any ethnicity he deems inferior to whites then watch him lose all 82 games
* Gets a big ol’ curb stomping from the ghost versions of Rosa Parks and Jackie Robinson
* Allow him to keep the team but only if he changes his name to Cliven Sterling
* Will undergo the NBA’s racial sensitivity training, which is just staring at a glossy head shot of Morgan Freeman until you realize how could anyone hate Morgan Freeman?
* Require him to have unprotected sex with Magic Johnson
* Can still attend games, but afterwards has to walk through both locker rooms wearing the sign John McClane wore in Die Hard 3
* Banned from the NBA for life for being a cancer and a pox on the NBA, a great league built and supported mainly due to the contributions of the black community. Just kidding, he’ll probably get a suspension and a small fine.