Spoiler Alert: Noah

Russell Crowe as NoahDarren Aronofsky’s biblical epic Noah hits theaters this weekend. I’ve seen an early screening of the film and it actually has some surprising twists. Here’s what moviegoers can expect: 

* God is played by a black guy. Nah, just kidding. I mean, could you imagine?

* As captain of the Ark, Noah spends most of the film dressed like Judge Smails from Caddyshack.

* I haven’t read the Bible in awhile but I’m pretty sure Aquaman had nothing to do with this.

* Right before they Ark is sealed for departure, an albino couple pleads with Russell Crowe to let them on the ship. Crowe looks at Connelly, who makes a disgusted face before Crowe shrugs and says, “Sorry, albinos creep us out,” and slamming the door.

* It’s revealed that moose didn’t exist before the great flood. Turns out one night on the Ark a deer get wasted and life, uh, finds a way.

* There’s a 10 minute intermission so teenage boys and guys aged 30-45 can argue over who’s hotter, Emma Watson or Jennifer Connolly.

* Every ten minutes Tim Tebow pops up in the shot to say, “Can I PLEASE be in this?”

* Nick Nolte appears dressed in rags and babbling about biblical prophecies, although it’s unclear whether or not he realizes it’s a movie.

* The film is a depiction of Noah’s story as it’s told in the Bible, which is fine until an extraneous prologue where Russell Crowe looks directly into the camera and says, “Well, that settles it. Christianity is the best religion,” before extending his middle finger and adding, “We got your ten dollars, ya dirty Jews and Ay-rabs. What are ya gonna do about it?” For some reason he says all that in a Southern accent.

* The films climax drastically diverges from the Bible, as I don’t remember Jesus making a last minute rescue in scuba gear.

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