The first two rounds are in the books, and we have our Sweet 16. Quicken emails continue to flood all our inboxes, serving as a constant reminder that we didn’t win Warren Buffett’s billoin dollar challenge much like an electronic version of a venereal disease. Onto the Rinse:
LOUISVILLE 66, SAINT LOUIS 51
The Cardinals offensive performance in this win was so ugly that upon seeing it, Steve Buscemi actually felt kinda good about himself.
FLORIDA 61, PITT 45
Florida extended their win streak to 28. They’ve petitioned the NCAA to just give ’em the trophy based on that alone, because it’s pretty damn impressive.The trophy will have a gold gator eating the mascots of all the teams they’ve beaten.
SAN DIEGO ST. 63, NORTH DAKOTA ST. 44
Despite San Diego State scoring more points than North Dakota State, they were disqualified afterwards when it was revealed their name is a lie. San Diego isn’t even a state.
MICHIGAN 79, TEXAS 65
Despite letting Michigan go wild from the three point line, Texas coach Rick Barnes was adamant that “it wasn’t the 14 3’s that beat us.” When asked what did beat them, Barnes said, “the 3’s, 2’s, 1’s from the free throw line, and the fact that we were not able to make more 3’s, 2’s, and 1’s than them.”
DAYTON 55, SYRACUSE 53
Orange coach Jim Boeheim chalked the loss and his lack of preparation up to his concern over the fates of the characters on Sunday night’s season finale of HBO’s Girls.
WISCONSIN 85, OREGON 77
Wisconsin won despite trailing by 12 at the half, proving once and for all that no matter how many points the Badgers trail by at halftime, you can never count them out. Unless it’s more than 12, we don’t have enough information on that.
MICHIGAN ST. 80, HARVARD 77
After getting defeated by a real basketball school, those Harvard losers can go back to their pathetic little Ivy League college where they still have pretty much every advantage available in society.
UCONN 77, VILLANOVA 65
UConn has now knocked two Philadelphia “Big 5” out of the NCAA Tournament. Next up, they’re forfeiting they’re next game so they can continue their Philly domination by finding and beating up the Temple Owls, the LaSalle Explorers, the Penn Quakers, Allen Iverson, Boyz II Men, and the guy who plays Ben Franklin in the commercials.
STANFORD 60, KANSAS 57
This upset just proves that when it comes to the NCAA Tournament, even an annual powerhouse can be knocked off by a team that’s still usually pretty good but had a bit of an off-regular season this year.
KENTUCKY 78, WICHITA ST. 76
This upset proves that when it comes to the NCAA Tournament, even a number one seed can be knocked off by team of loaded with NBA draft picks who they have to play in the second round for some reason.
IOWA ST. 85, UNC 83
This one had a bizarre ending, as time expired on UNC as guard Nate Britt tried to dribble up to mid-court to call timeout. Britt later admitted this this whole thing could have been avoided if he’d ever learned to count.
TENNESSEE 83, MERCER 63
Mercer’s Cinderella dream is dead, but the good news is they have signed former Full House star John Stamos to introduce the team at home games next year in character as Uncle Jesse saying, “HAAAAAVE MERCCCCC-ER.”
UCLA 77, STEPHEN F. AUSTIN 60
The worst part of this for the Lumberjacks? They’ll have to return to their low-paying jobs as lumberjacks. That’s right. They weren’t even college students. They were actual lumberjacks who talked their way into the NCAA Tournament. That isn’t true, but it would make a heck of a screenplay. Get writing, someone out there.
BAYLOR 85, CREIGHTON 55
Baylor fans are estatic but also cautious. A loss at this point would be the worst thing to happen in the basketball program’s history since that time one Baylor basketball player murdered another one and the coach tried to help cover it up. Forgot about that one, didn’t you? Yeah, that shit happened.
UVA 78, MEMPHIS 60
UVA played this game with a heavy heart as they dedicated the victory to veteran character actor James Rebhorn, who passed away Sunday. Rebhorn did not go to UVA, but looked like a guy that could’ve gone there.
ARIZONA 84, GONZAGA 61
Before the tip the two teams nearly agreed to not play and join forces, calling themselves Argizagona. They stopped when someone pointed out the word “giz” is in there, and that just isn’t going to be good in the long run.
That’s it for the second round. Check back here later this week for a recap of all the tournament action so good it’ll make your forget that not only is your 2014 bracket busted, you’ve also somehow already missed six games in next year’s bracket.