The second day of the NCAA Tournament was almost as thrilling as the first, with Cinderellas advancing, brackets busting, and America rejoicing at the sweet tears of Duke fans everywhere. Onto the Rinse:
MERCER 78, DUKE 71
The underdog Bears were flawless against a talented but inexperienced Duke team. Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski attempted to review all his players’ errors with them but they were too busy getting ready for the NBA.
TENNESSEE 86, UMASS 67
According to coach Derek Kellogg, the Minutemen’s lackluster performance was intentional: “No matter what our players do, whether it’s taking an exam, being in the NCAA Tournament, or sexually performing, we as Minutemen have to be committed to living up to our name by not doing it for a long time.”
MEMPHIS 71, GEORGE WASHINGTON 66
Unlike their fellow DC resident and House of Cards protagonist Frank Underwood, the Colonials didn’t do whatever it took to get ahead. Their strategy for next year includes better defense, more efficient offense, and throwing their opponents in front of subway cars.
UVA 70, COASTAL CAROLINA 59
Until they pulled away late, UVA was in serious danger late of being the first 1 seed to lose to a 16. That’s the University of Virginia Cavaliers: even when they’re good, they’re the reason why the ACC can’t have nice things.
STANFORD 58, NEW MEXICO 53
Stanford started this game very strong on a 20-4 run which they attributed to a balanced breakfast that included eggs, fruit, OJ, and a special kind of steroid that makes you play basketball real good.
KANSAS 80, EASTERN KENTUCKY 69
The Jayhawks’ freshman sensation Andrew Wiggins had a few outstanding dunks leading experts to declare him ready for the bright lights and high stakes of the NBA All Star Weekend dunk contest.
WICHITA ST. 64, CAL POLY 37
Cal Poly only made 12 shots the entire game. One can only imagine how bad the performance would’ve been if they had been replaced by their sister school, Cal Mono. Their basketball team is just one guy from California who has mono.
KENTUCKY 56, KANSAS ST. 49
Kentucky star Julius Randle was the player of the game, going for 19 points, 15 rebounds, and a few post game handshakes so solid that experts declared them “the most respectful [hand]shakes we’ve seen in years.”
ARIZONA 68, WEBER ST. 59
Most disappointed of all with result? Former Wings star Steven Weber. He didn’t go to Weber State and is in no way associated with the school, but the name ‘Weber’ gets so little mention in the mainstream press that he really clings to any shine it does get.
GONZAGA 85, OKLAHOMA ST. 77
Luckily, Gonzaga won and is not located in New York City so they avoided the inevitable NY Post headline “GONE-ZAGA.”
STEPHEN F. AUSTIN 77, VCU 75
Lumberjack guard Desmond Haymon’s four point play to force OT was the most points scored on one play since Dan Cortese’s 100 point shot in the 1997 MTV Rock N Jock game.
UCLA 76, TULSA 59
UCLA had 11 steals. Well, 13 if you count the heart and mind of Greg Blumenthal of Portland, Maine, a notorious Tulsa-hater who stayed up late to watch this one just to root against Tulsa.
BAYLOR 74, NEBRASKA 60
Nebraska coach Tim Miles was ejected in the second half due to an argument with a ref over the fate of Malaysian Flight 370. Miles’ take? Either alien abduction or terrorist plot. Or perhaps it was an alien terrorist? The possibilities are endless.
CREIGHTON 76, LOUISIANA-LAFAYETTE 66
Creighton now moves on to the second round where they’ll have to deal with both Baylor and their own crippling fear of success.
UNC 79, PROVIDENCE 77
This win improves Roy Williams to 24-0 all time in first round games. Williams celebrated by getting wasted on a bottle of champagne and calling each of the coaches he had defeated to gloat.
IOWA ST. 93, NORTH CAROLINA CENTRAL 75
Iowa State may have over-prepared for this one, as they initially thought they were playing North Carolina but in the Central Time Zone.
That’s it for the round of 64. Keep checking back here for tournament recaps so good it’ll make you want to Stephen F. Austin Lumberjack off.