Welcome to the March Madness Rinse, where I’ll be providing coverage of this year’s NCAA Tournament you can’t find anywhere else on the Internet. Today I’m starting with a preview of each matchup in the round of 64. I skipped the First Four games because none of those teams are going to amount to anything and no one cares about it. Onto the Rinse:
1) Florida vs. 16) Albany: Albany is rewarded for its First Four win with a certain loss to SCC champion Florida. On the bright side, at least they’ll get out of Albany for awhile.
8) Colorado vs. 9) Pittsburgh: Both teams may decide to celebrate the legalization of weed in Colorado by lighting a few splifs prior to tipoff before they realize the game is being played in Florida, where weed is illegal and murdering black people is not.
5) VCU vs. 12) Stephen F. Austin: Stephen F. Austin 3:16 says Stephen F. Austin is losing in the first round.
4) UCLA vs. 13) Tulsa: Tulsa coach Danny Manning hopes to win this so he can move out of the shadow of his more successful brothers, Peyton and Eli.
6) Ohio St. vs. 11) Dayton: These two Ohio schools haven’t played since the 2010 NIT, which doesn’t really count because it’s the NIT.
3) Syracuse vs. 14) Western Michigan: Western Michigan may be primed for an upset here, because we all know how well teams called the Broncos do in major sporting events.
7) New Mexico vs. 10) Stanford: This New Mexico team has adopted the hashtag #unfinishedbusiness for the tournament. Why? They have yet to file their tax returns. I can’t in good conscience pick a team that’s worried about the IRS.
2) Kansas vs. 15) Eastern Kentucky: Perennial contender Kansas will have no problem with Eastern Kentucky, by far the weakest of the directional Kentuckys.
1) Virginia vs. 16) Coastal Carolina: UVA is the first #1 seed with students who wear suits to games by choice.
PICK: Coastal Carolina
8) Memphis vs. 9) George Washington: Little bit of trivia for you guys: did you know that coincidentally, rapper Memphis Bleek’s favorite president is George Washington? Not really, I just made that up.
5) Cincinnati vs. 12) Harvard: Both these teams are known for their defensive mindsets. Not basketball-wise, they just get really upset if you point out any of their flaws.
4) Michigan St. vs. 13) Delaware: President Obama picked Michigan State to win the championship. To ensure they make it out of the first round, he’s authorized a drone strike on the entire state of Delaware.
PICK: Michigan St.
6) UNC vs. 11) Providence: Providence is led by all-Big East guard Bryce Cotton, who during the season averaged 21.3 ppg, 5.9 apg, and somehow, shockingly, astoundingly, is not white. Seriously. How is someone with the name BRYCE COTTON a black guy? Can someone explain that for me? Is he adopted?
3) Iowa St. vs. 14) NC Central: Not much is known about the low-seeded North Carolina Central, other than that they’re centered. They like to keep it even keel, right down the middle. Which way do they plan to vote in the next election? For whichever candidate is more moderate. I did not do any research on this one.
PICK: Iowa St.
7) UConn vs. St. 10) St. Joe’s: The UConn Huskies are back in the tournament for the first time in two years. Connecticut residents are relieved because all they had to watch was the UConn women’s basketball team and we all know women’s basketball doesn’t count.
PICK: St. Joe’s
2) Villanova vs. 15) Milwaukee: A Nova/St. Joe’s second round tilt makes too much sense not to pick here; A) because the two Philadelphia schools have so much history together in the Big 5, and B) Milwaukee is probably not very good at basketball.
1) Arizona vs. 16) Weber St: I haven’t really watched college basketball much in the past 15 years; Miles Simon and Mike Bibby still play for the Wildcats, right?
PICK: Zona and Jason Terry all day, baby
8) Gonzaga vs. 9) Oklahoma St: To neutralize Oklahoma State star Marcus Smart, the Zags have loaded the front row behind the Cowboys’ bench with fat, racist hecklers.
5) Oklahoma vs. 12) North Dakota St: The Bison have a decided size advantage over the Sooners, which should come in handy for rebounding or if they want to date the Sooners’ girlfriends.
PICK: North Dakota St.
4) San Diego St. vs 13) New Mexico St: At the end of the day, neither of these teams will win the tournament and 100 years from now no one will remember either of them either existed.
PICK: What difference does it make? I mean, San Diego St.
6) Baylor vs. 11) Nebraska: No matter who wins, both of these teams agree that vaccinations do not cause autism.
3) Creighton vs. 14) LA-Lafayette: Creighton wins easily once they realize Louisiana-Lafayette’s basketball team is made up entirely of crawfish dressed like Colonel Sanders.
7) Oregon vs. 10) BYU: Nobody likes Mormons.
2) Wisconsin vs. 15) American: Wisconsin will win due to American University’s unbelievably dense refusal to play Hulk Hogan’s “Real American” during their player introductions.
1) Wichita St. vs. Cal Poly: The NCAA Selection Committee screwed Wichita State by giving them the top seed in the toughest bracket. Experts attribute this to Wichita State’s inferior strength of schedule and the fact that several members of the committee dated this girl from Wichita named Rose and it just…it just didn’t work out.
PICK: Wichita State. And don’t tell us it’s you, not us. Don’t patronize us like that.
8) Kentucky vs. 9) Kansas St: Kentucky better win this game, John Calipari is paying each Wildcat a cool $300 G’s.
5) Saint Louis vs. 12) NC St: No matter what you think about it, one thing’s for sure: this is the one NCAA Tournament game sure to capture the attention of all the St. Lunatics.
PICK: NC State
4) Louisville vs. 13) Manhattan: Many experts had Louisville getting a number one seed so they were disappointed to end up with a four. Now Manhattan has to feel their wrath, like a jilted ex-lover who got a four seed instead of a one seed. I’m sorry, this deep into the blog the simile well begins to run dry.
6) UMass vs. 11) Tennessee: Little known caveat in Warren Buffett’s billion dollar offer for a perfect bracket: if UMass wins the whole thing he’ll come to your house party and make it rain on dem ho’s.
3) Duke vs. 14) Mercer: The whole universe is still rooting against Duke even after it was revealed that every single player on Mercer’s roster is a convicted pedophile who likes to drown puppies. ESPN did a poll, and yep: everyone still wants Duke to lose. Incredible.
7) Texas vs. 10) Arizona St: One expert called this the first round’s “most even matchup.” This was proven during the teams’ pre-March Madness Rock-Paper-Scissors friendly when both competitors tied with paper 57 times in a row.
2) Michigan vs. 15) Wofford: This is my last pick of the first round, so I’ll go the standard mascot vs. mascot route. A wolverine would definitely defeat a terrier. Wait, are wolverines real, or is their mascot the X-Men character? A quick Wikipedia check reveals that wolverines are in fact real. Go Michigan.
That’s it for the preview. Good luck with your bracket and be sure to check back here. I’ll be updating every day with recaps of the past day’s action so good it’ll make Dick Vitale want to have a calm, rational outlook on life.