Today is Fat Tuesday (or as I like to call it in the interest of not fat-shaming, Health At Every Size Tuesday) and that means Lent is right around the corner. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically a 40 day period in which Christians give up some sort of comfort or luxury as penitence. Don’t worry if you aren’t a Christian though. Giving something up for Lent has just become a hip thing to do, like not eating bread or having a Tumblr. If you haven’t decided what to give up, here are some ideas:
This is a particularly good idea for socially inept losers. It’s not that you can’t get laid, it’s that you’re fasting on intimate relations in the name of the Lord. Only drawback is that they made a shitty Josh Hartnett movie about this, but that’s never stopped anyone from doing anything before. Detectives didn’t stop detecing after they made Hollywood Homicide.
MISPRONOUNCING THE NAMES OF OSCAR WINNING SINGERS
Applies to John Travolta only.
What the hell, why not? These magic beans are pretty much worthless now so you may as well turn shunning them into a form of religious empowerment.
GOING TO THE MOVIES
I know, I know, this one may be too drastic. The thought of missing out on 300: Rise of an Empire is too much to bear. Also, this is unrelated to Lent, but why is it that in the 300 universe all Greeks are gay British guys?
CHECKING YOUR SMARTPHONE
In a society where the smartphone is king, nothing would make quite as big a statement as going without it for 40 days and 40 nights. Can you imagine how good that would make you look up in heaven?
ANGEL: “God, you’ll never believe this! A person made it through Lent without checking his phone!”
GOD: “Hold on…what’s that? Sorry I was checking my phone.”
And then God would just kind of ignore it and go back to playing Angry Birds, or checking porn, or whatever He does on His iPhone.
PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING
Applies to Toronto mayor Rob Ford only.
Especially impressive if you live in Colorado. Don’t brag about it too much, though. If there’s a cop around you’ll have to talk your way out of it (“I uh, I never smoked it before this, though, not at all….now I’m just DOUBLY giving it up”)
Let’s face it, you weren’t going to do it anyway.
WATCHING COLLEGE BASKETBALL
You really want to show God you mean business? Give up college hoops during March Madness. Sure it would be hard, but doing so would really prove your superiority over all other Christians. You’ll be able to lord it over all the people at church, if you’re one of those weirdos who actually still goes to church.
ASSERTING YOUR MILITARY DOMINANCE OVER THE CRIMEAN PENINSULA
Applies to Russia only.