Highlights from the 2014 Oscars

oscarsIn case you missed it, here are some of the biggest highlights from last night’s Academy Awards. If you did watch the show, think of this as me live-tweeting the event with tweets I never tweeted: 

* Host Ellen DeGeneres convinced several A-Listers in attendance to pose with her for a selfie. Less publicized was the fact that during a commercial break, Ellen convinced several B-List male stars to pose for degrading dick pics in exchange for future nominations.

* Lupita Nyong’o won Best Supporting Actress for her role in 12 Years a Slave, shocking everyone not because her performance wasn’t great, but because of that name. That’s a real name? It sounds like how a racist person would mockingly pronounce any African name.

*  Ellen ordered pizza and handed out slices to many stars in attendance. When asked for money, everybody looked at everyone else and said in unison, “Can you get this? I’ll get you back next time.”

* In what could only be a cruel joke, the Academy rejected my last minute Best Picture write-in candidate, Last Vegas.

* 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture. So, there you go. Finally we have one positive outcome from slavery.

* In his acceptance speech for Best Actor, Matthew McConaughey thanked whatever monkey introduced AIDS to the American population back in the 80’s.

* McConaughey went on to ask the crowd if anyone had discovered the cure for AIDS. When told no, he responded, “It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”

* Jennifer Lawrence fell – again – this time on the red carpet. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not because she’s charmingly clumsy but instead due to a crippling prescription drug addiction.

* Ellen mocked Liza Minnelli for looking like a man. She had a good laugh with the rest of the crowd at Minnelli’s expense then went back to wearing her men’s tuxedo, having an incredibly short man-like haircut, and adoring muff.

* American Hustle won zero awards, which greatly pleased all the idiots who made it sound like it was Gigli or something.

* John Travolta mispronounced the name of “Idina Menzel” as “I Am A Gay Man and Have Been For Years.”

* After wins by McConaughey and Jared Leto in the Actor categories, Jezebel prepared a post-show screed stating that sexism in cinema will not truly be defeated until both those awards are won by a woman.

* Barkhad Abdi was robbed of Best Supporting Actor for his amazing performance in Captain Phillips but did win a lesser known award of “Best Actor Who Looks Like a Cab Driver.”

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