Spoiler Alert: Upcoming Plot Points for House of Cards Season 3

HOCSeason 2 of Netflix’s critically acclaimed political drama House of Cards debuted this past Friday. With many watching the entire season in one weekend, viewers are now clamoring for season 3. Here are some rumored details about the next 13 episode installment (possible spoilers ahead): 

* Tired of dominating the U.S. political landscape, Frank uses deception and back-channels to usurp the leaders of all nations in taking over the Planet Earth.

* NSA officials spend 13 consecutive hours “binge-watching” the Underwoods’ phone and email records.

* New Secretary of Agriculture? Freddy, from Freddy’s BBQ.

* One of Frank’s trademark soliloquies to the camera is interrupted by a West Wing janitor saying, “Uh hey man, I can hear everything you’re saying.”

* Bored by her past affairs, Claire Underwood takes on a new lover: Screech, the mascot of the Washington Nationals.

* Frank is haunted by the ghost of Congressman Peter Russo, who is about to drag Frank’s soul to Hell until he’s distracted by an open bottle of whiskey and asks if he can finish it.

* Cashew the guinea pig, pet of the creepy hacker Gavin, returns as the Secretary of the newly-created Department of Fluffy Rodents.

* No longer enthralled by the idea of dominating the world, Frank uses deception and back-channels to usurp Palpatine as Emperor of the Galactic Empire.

* Billionaire Raymond Tusk ends a shouting match with Frank by yelling, “Nobody talks to Major Dad that way!”

* After alienating himself through a series of strategic miscalculations at the end of Season 2, Underwood nemesis Remy Danton bottoms out as a lobbyist for Old Spice and a few other deodorant corporations representing Big Anti-Perspirant.

* Two running themes of the show continue to defy logic: Congress keeps accomplishing stuff and Kevin Spacey remains married to a woman.

* After drawing complaints from shark-friendly special interest groups, Frank’s ode to his wife of how he “loves [her] more than sharks love blood,” is replaced with “I love her like a fat kid loves cake. Copyright 50 Cent.” He even says the “copyright 50 Cent” part out loud.

* Yawning at the thought of having the galaxy under his thumb, Frank uses deception and back-channels to usurp God as Lord and Creator of the universe.

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