GIANTS 20, REDSKINS 6
Despite a disappointing 7-9 finish, the Giants took comfort in the fact that at least they aren’t the Redskins. “I mean, we suck, but could you imagine the dysfunction they’re dealing with?” said coach Tom Coughlin. “There but for the grace of God go I.” After the game the Giants went over to the visiting locker room to bring Mike Shanahan soup, bread, and blankets.
STEELERS 20, BROWNS 7
Cleveland ended yet another disappointing season with their seventh straight loss. Browns fans focused on the positive, noting that the Browns did manage to win at least four games and if Brian Hoyer can come back maybe they can squeak out six and hey could someone just nuke Cleveland to put them out of their misery already?
VIKINGS 13, LIONS 13
This was the final game in the Metrodome, marking yet another great moment in the stadium’s history, like the time…um….the roof collapsed? Well, that wasn’t really great. How about 1998, though, when they went 15-1? That had some great moments. Oh wait, but that ended with them blowing the NFC Championship game in the Metrodome. How about that time Randy Moss torched the Packers in his rookie year? Wait, that was at Lambeau. You know what, I give up, just burn the place already.
PANTHERS 21, FALCONS 20
Carolina’s win earns them the NFC South Division title and a first round bye. They plan to spend next week returning all the shitty Christmas presents they got each other and hoping they don’t run into anyone on the team at the mall.
BENGALS 34, RAVENS 17
Baltimore became the 15th Super Bowl champion to miss the playoffs the following season. If they continue on this pace next year they’ll get kicked out of the NFL and the next year they’ll cease to exist.
JETS 20, DOLPHINS 7
After the win Jets owner Woody Johnson announced that Rex Ryan will return next year. They don’t think Ryan’s a good coach, but they still have half of one of those giant party subs left over from the Christmas party and they need somebody who can finish it.
TITANS 16, TEXANS 10
This loss earns the number one pick for Houston. Houston said it plans to trade the pick for an Amazon gift card, because using the pick may get them a decent player but they can get anything from Amazon.
COLTS 30, JAGUARS 10
Indy needed other teams to lose to help improve their playoff position, but insisted they weren’t scoreboard watching. “You kidding me?” said coach Chuck Pagano. “We weren’t watching anything with that horseshit scoreboard we’ve got here.” Pagano then delivered a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why the Colts needed a way better scoreboard to be taken seriously as NFL contenders.
SEAHAWKS 27, RAMS 9
The Seahawks clinched homefield advantage in the NFC which sucks because they had an Expedia gift card they had to use before the end of January. I don’t know if Expedia gift cards actually exist but it’s Week 17 and I’m not Googling it. Just accept the premise of the joke as valid and move on.
BRONCOS 34, RAIDERS 14
Peyton Manning made sure to end the season with 55 touchdown passes exactly in honor of 55 year old actress and former Everybody Love Raymond star Patricia Heaton. Manning is a huge fan of hers and even runs her long-running fansite, geocities.heatonbuffs.com.
SAINTS 42, BUCCANEERS 17
Tampa played this game amid rumors coach Greg Schiano may bolt for Penn State if the job comes open. Schiano reportedly wants the challenge of alienating an entirely new roster of players.
PACKERS 33, BEARS 28
Aaron Rodgers threw a last minute 48 yard touchdown pass to Randall Cobb to qualify the Packers for both the NFC playoffs and Buzzfeed’s list of “11 Aaron Rodgers Game-Winning TD Passes That Just Can’t Even Right Now.”
49ERS 23, CARDINALS 20
Arizona failed to make the playoffs despite winning ten games. To compensate for this injustice, the NFL will give them an automatic bid to the 2014 playoffs by moving them to the NFC East.
PATRIOTS 34, BILLS 20
The Patriots won and clinched the AFC’s #2 seed despite heavy rain. Unfortunately, Tom Brady suffered a concussion after he opted not to wear pads and a helmet in favor of a yellow rain hat and slicker.
CHARGERS 27, CHIEFS 24
San Diego clinched the AFC’s final playoff spot and will travel to Cincinnati next week which is convenient since coach Mike McCoy has an ex-girlfriend Ohio. McCoy already asked if all Chargers’ players and coaches can crash in her living room in a thinly-veiled attempt to get some buns.
EAGLES 24, COWBOYS 22
This was an impressive game for Dallas any way you look at it when you consider the fact that QB Kyle Orton prepared for this game last week while also holding down a part-time job at a Dallas area Jiffy Lube.
That’s it for Week 17 and 2013. Thanks for reading the Rinse this year: check back next year and every year for the greatest NFL recap ever written.