The day after Christmas is traditionally one of the biggest shopping days of the year and retailers always attempt to cash in. Let’s take a look at some of the best deals out there businesses are offering:
On top of all the in-store discounts, your cashier/Nigerian prince will offer you up to $50,000 to transfer funds for his offshore bank account.
Keeping up with their sterling track record this year, all orders made on December 26 will be fast-tracked and delivered within six to eighteen months.
All customers with an IQ over 10 can direct one of their commercials.
ABERCROMBIE & FITCH
All beautiful customers get 90% off everything in the store. Fatties get the hose.
AMC MOVIE THEATERS
No catch: AMC will literally pay you $10 to go see Grudge Match. C’mon. It’s only two hours.
All shoppers dining in-store before 10AM receive one (1) free hash brown as well as two hours of unpaid labor from one of the poor suckers working in the back.
70% off all in-store merchandise plus if you’re a guy and you buy something they’ll look the other way when you awkwardly stare at the pictures of the models for ten minutes too long.
No deals but if you buy anything they’ll give you a half-off coupon for their much less-visited sister store, Forever 42.
BARNES AND NOBLE
60% off all books, although if you have time you can just read it there for free.
THAT LOTION KIOSK AT THE MALL MANAGED BY THE PUSHY WOMAN OF INDETERMINATE ETHNICITY
For one day, they won’t get all up in your face while you’re walking by Auntie Anne’s.
Buy two bras, get one free, which are great for any half-dog/half-women out there with three sets of tits.
BED BATH AND BEYOND
A half-off coupon to Bath and Body Works. Even they get each other confused.
Get to the store in Columbus, Ohio before 7 AM and some guy named Gerald wearing an eyepatch will get you whatever you need for 50 bucks.
No discount, just a reminder that Burger King gift cards actually exist. Someone has bought a gift card to Burger King and given it to someone in lieu of an actual present.