COWBOYS 24, REDSKINS 23
For the third year in a row, the pathetic NFC East will be decided in a Week 17 matchup. This year the stakes are higher however, as the NFL is forcing the three teams who fail to make it to bind themselves together in a gigantic makeshift human centipede.
BILLS 19, DOLPHINS 0
When asked to describe what went wrong for Miami, left tackle Bryant McKinnie said, “Um…I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you.” NFL players: come for the incredible athletic ability, stay for the cutting-edge analysis.
BENGALS 42, VIKINGS 14
Cincinnati clinched a playoff spot until coach Marvin Lewis immediately gave it away to another team since the Bengals will probably lose in the first round anyway.
COLTS 23, CHIEFS 7
The Colts dominated after letting the Chiefs march right down the field on the first series. Indy’s defense blamed their slow start on watching Human Centipede right before kickoff.
RAMS 23, BUCCANEERS 13
St. Louis WR Stedman Bailey scored on a long reverse handoff and got excited anticipating the play, saying, “My eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.” Bailey then immediately went to the hospital for having pieces of a Douglas fir in his cornea.
JETS 24, BROWNS 13
Despite reports that he’ll be fired next week, Jets coach Rex Ryan wasn’t interested in discussing his future. “We’ve got a game next week to focus on. I mean, we could sit here all day and talk about my two AFC championship appearances, or my successful defensive schemes as both a head coach and defensive coordinator, but I’m not going to do that.” Ryan then gulped, wiped the sweat from his brow, and quietly whispered, “Someone please hire me.”
PANTHERS 17, SAINTS 13
New Orleans is attributing their futility on the road to either the comfort of playing in the Superdome or the fact that Drew Brees is afraid to fly so all road games are quarterbacked by his backup, Luke McCown, wearing a Drew Brees Mission: Impossible mask.
TITANS 20, JAGUARS 16
Jacksonville coach Gus Bradley waxed philosophical about his team’s tough season by saying, “Sometimes, I told them, you can’t climb a smooth mountain.” Owner Shad Khan then proved Bradley wrong by telling the team he was taking them on an all-expenses paid trip to a mountain made of entirely of velvet and babies’ bottoms.
BRONCOS 37, TEXANS 13
Peyton Manning broke Tom Brady’s record for TD passes in a season. He celebrated by calling up Gisele Bundchen and offering his services to surpass Brady in another area. “And that area,” Manning added, “is sexual relations.”
GIANTS 23, LIONS 20
Despite being eliminated from playoff contention, New York played hard for its embattled coach Tom Coughlin. All though they all later admitted the only reason they played so hard was because they felt guilty all they got him for Christmas was a gift card to Olive Garden.
PATRIOTS 41, RAVENS 7
Despite winning big, Tom Brady addressed the press corps in tears after the game. “You see that, Gisele? 41 points!” said Brady. “Peyton only put up 37! I don’t need some stupid touchdown record to prove I’m a real man!” Brady then cried even harder causing multiple snot bubbles to run out of his nose. “I just…I just..I just think you’re really pretty and I don’t want you to do stuff to Peyton’s junk! Do stuff to MY junk!”
CARDINALS 17, SEAHAWKS 10
This was the first home loss of Seattle QB Russell Wilson’s career. “I’ll tell you what messed me up,” said Wilson. “Watching Human Centipede right before kickoff with the Colts’ players. Brutal film. Not sure how those three NFC East teams are going to get through that.”
STEELERS 38, PACKERS 31
In order for the Steelers to still qualify for the playoffs, they’ll need the following teams to lose next week: Baltimore, San Diego, Miami, and somehow, the NBA’s Charlotte Bobcats.
CHARGERS 26, RAIDERS 13
San Diego also needs playoff help: to qualify, they need to beat Kansas City and they need Miami and Baltimore to lose. Their fans have started a petition to have Miami and Baltimore jointly coached next week by Norv Turner.
EAGLES 54, BEARS 11
Philadelphia’s high octane offense combined with the fact that they’re playing Dallas’s historically bad defense has statistical experts predicting that next week they will score exactly 632 points.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The 49ers will whip the Falcons. Matt Ryan will officially change his nickname from Matty Ice to Matty Slush On The 70 Degree Day After We Got a Light Dusting of Snow.
That’s it for Week 16. Check back here next week, and every week, for the best NFL recap since Bing Crosby tapdanced with Danny Fucking Kaye.