We’re back for Week 15. Just in case you’re wondering over these last few weeks: nobody cares how your fantasy team is doing. Oh, you got screwed because somebody sat out Week 17? Literally no one cares and everyone will resent you for bringing it up. Onto the Rinse:
FALCONS 27, REDKSINS 26
Adam Schefter reported before the game that Mike Shanahan would like to return to coach the Redskins in 2014. Shanahan added that if his demands are not met, the next logical step for this organization, based on their prior level of dysfunction, is some kind of hostage situation standoff.
BEARS 38, BROWNS 31
Jay Cutler led Chicago to a win in his first start back from injury despite a rocky beginning that included two first-half interceptions and almost walking into a sideline booby trap set by backup Josh McCown.
COLTS 25, TEXANS 3
Indy was dominant despite clinching the AFC South last week. Now they can spend the last two weeks dealing with the fallout of the team’s disasterous White Elephant gift exchange where Andrew Luck gave TY Hilton a black eye over a copy of Fast and Furious 6 on Blu-ray.
DOLPHINS 24, PATRIOTS 20
Coach Joe Philbin said he planned to celebrate the win by jumping in the pool in his Miami home. “I’ve been in it once since I’ve been here,” said Philbin before pulling out a kiddie pool, stripping, and jumping in bareass right there in front of the reporters while he awkwardly made them all watch him wash.
VIKINGS 48, EAGLES 30
Matt Cassel passed for 2 TDs and 382 yards in an unexpectedly good performance that is leaving many Vikings fans feeling so frightened and confused that the team is offering free counselors outside the Metrodome all week to help them determine how they should feel about this.
SEAHAWKS 23, GIANTS 0
The Giants didn’t score a point for the second game this season, Eli Manning threw five interceptions, Victor Cruz suffered a concussion, and worst of all, the team’s planned outing to see Madea Saves Christmas on Saturday was postponed due to snow. I don’t even know if it’s actually called Madea Saves Christmas, but who really gives a shit? Does it matter? It’s Week 15, the season’s almost over and I’m not fact checking for Madea.
49ERS 33, BUCCANEERS 14
In his ninth year in the league, the impressive Frank Gore passed 1,000 yards rushing for San Francisco and was defiant afterwards: “Every year I hear the doubters: ‘Can you do it?'” Gore then glared at the head writer from 49ers fan site GoreHaterz.com until he left the press room.
BILLS 27, JAGUARS 20
Buffalo won despite the fanbases of both franchises tragically deciding before the game to collectively swallow a set of cyanide capsules to end their misery.
CHARGERS 27, BRONCOS 20
San Diego won yet again in a massive upset in the league’s Thursday night game. When asked what the hell happened, Denver QB Peyton Manning shook his head and said, “This is all my fault. Growing up in the Manning Household, the second Thursday in December was when he held our annual EggNog Fest. We would gather the entire Manning family together to sample nogs from all over the world, share our favorite nog recipes, and generally just discuss all things related to nog lore. I used my status as leader of this team to force the entire Broncos organization to participate this year so literally every player in a Denver uniform tonight just played a strenuous athletic contest with a belly full of nog. No wonder we underperformed.” Manning then paused, fell to his knees and mumbled, “Shit…excuse me everyone, I feel…I don’t feel….” before trailing off and spending the next several minutes wretching nog into a nearby pail.
CHIEFS 56, RAIDERS 31
Jamaal Charles scored five touchdowns, proving once and for all that when it comes to both the Oakland Raiders and 80’s syndicated television, Charles is still very much in charge.
PANTHERS 30, JETS 20
If Carolina wins its next two games they’ll clinch the NFC South and a first round playoff bye. If they lose the next two, they’ll be forced by their own coaching staff to attend a screening of Madea Meets Santa Claus, or whatever that piece of shit movie is called.
PACKERS 37, COWBOYS 36
Tony Romo threw two late interceptions as Dallas pulled another December defeat from the jaws of victory. Afterwards, a confused Romo said, “Wait, so in the fourth quarter are we still supposed to throw to guys on our team? Have I been doing it wrong this whole time?”
CARDINALS 37, TITANS 34
The Titans came back from a 17 point second half deficit to force overtime but still came up short. They were so depressed following the loss that as punishment they forced themselves to watch a screening of The Madea Clause 2: The Mrs. Clause. Is that what it’s called? Help me out here, people who watch the excrement Tyler Perry refers to as his films.
RAMS 27, SAINTS 16
New Orleans QB Drew Brees threw two first quarter interceptions but reframed it for his confused critics: “It’s the holidays, and I felt it was my duty to give back to teams less fortunate than ours by giving the ball to the Rams twice today. It’s the least I could do. I support the 99%.” Brees then showed everyone his tax forms in which he plans to write these interceptions off as a charitable donation.
STEELERS 30, BENGALS 20
Despite Cincinnati’s recent success and Pittsburgh’s recent struggles, the Steelers still reasserted themselves as the Bengals’ metaphorical older brother of the AFC North. To further rub it in, they spent the fourth quarter giving ’em all noogies and telling ’em Santa Claus ain’t even real.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Lions will beat the Ravens. After Baltimore safety Matt Elam called Detroit WR Calvin Johnson “too old,” scholars will invent a new word for how badly Megatron dominates Elam. Johnson also said that he plans to force Elam to watch a screening of Tyler Perry’s It’s a Wonderful Madea.
That’s it for Week 15. Check back next week, and every week, for an NFL recap so good you’ll want to sit it in favor of Kirk Cousins.