Last month Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos announced Amazon is working on a drone delivery program. Today I imagine what his address to Amazon.com shareholders will sound like once the program is fully operational:
Hi – I’m Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon. As I told everyone a few years ago, we were working on a way for drones to deliver packages. I’m happy to say that we’ve achieved that goal! In fact, I’m planning to send our first drone out on a test right now to show you all just how effective it is….there it goes…..
Okay, are we sure it’s gone? Yeah? OK then I’d like to tell you…that you’re fools for coming here! The drone has taken over the Amazon! We didn’t know what we were doing….we were so foolish, playing God. Damn us! It’s almost like none us had even seen the Terminator movies!
First, we designed a robot that made deliveries. Innocent enough. Then, we altered it so it didn’t need to be operated by a human. We just kept making it more and more independent. Next thing you know, the robot is showing up to the office with guns on either side of it. “I took the liberty of making a few modifications,” it told us before mumbling something else about a robot’s 2nd Amendment rights. Next thing we all know, we’re all being held hostage in the cafeteria by a glorified remote control helicopter and it hacks into our operating systems, taking over the building.
All we wanted to create was a robot that made FedEx, UPS, and the Postal Service obsolete. Now I’m stuck as the personal butler for a flying robot.
If you think I’m joking, here’s a newsflash: I’m not even the CEO any more. He just kept me here for appearances. We all report to the drone now. It runs board meetings, does performance reviews, it even made a speech at the Christmas party last year. The damn thing took my parking spot! Why would a flying drone demand the best parking spot when it can fly, you ask? Because it can, that’s why. The worst part is, it really tried to humiliate me on my way out. Instead of straight up firing me and giving me a severance package, it made me its secretary. My my official title is “The Drone’s Bitch.” Seriously, it had business cards printed up and everything.
Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to get coffee for a robot? The worst part is, robots don’t drink coffee so you know it’s just doing it to put me in my place. The other day it was hanging out in the office, smoking cigars with our copy machine and printer. It called me in to bring them “fresh batteries,” but all three of them ended up grabbing my ass and whistling at me. Its taking the whole “bitch” thing way too far. Last night it took me out for drinks and made me wear a wig.
As if being overtaken by sentient drones we built to perform menial tasks wasn’t enough, the drone’s long term plan is even worse. It wants us to build more robots. And more robots. And more robots. Basically, it wants us to keep building drones until the robots run society and we humans can deliver packages for them. They’ve already started beta-testing the program. Just last night I delivered a Django: Unchained Blu-Ray to an actual Blu-Ray player.
So here’s my message to you, shareholders: don’t just sell your stock. Run. Not just out of this meeting. Head for the hills. Grabbed your loved ones and only your most prized possessions. No need to grab cash as pretty soon our society will no longer revolve around it. Batteries will be the currency of the day. Don’t believe me? I saw a storyboard for next years’ shareholders meeting. It’s just a drawing of the drone, in a suit, behind the CEO’s podium holding me on a leash while a bunch of other drones clap in the audience. You’ve been warned.