It’s week 14 in the NFL and the playoff picture is starting to take shape. Although this canvas won’t be graced by any Manets or Monets, but by a Manning. Alright I’ll admit that one was a stretch, but I’m sure the rest of them will get better. Onto the Rinse:
JAGUARS 27, TEXANS 20
This loss incensed Houston owner Bob McNair so much after the game that not only did he fire head coach Gary Kubiak, he also didn’t take ANY of the Texans out for ice cream.
BENGALS 42, COLTS 28
The Colts have been both bad and good at different points this year, leading the team to adopt an unofficial nickname as the “Two-Faces,” wearing t-shirts with the classic Batman character on them and getting into moral, “black vs. white” arguments in the locker room. One example of such an argument? RB Donald Brown and DE Robert Mathis getting into a shoving match over who was the better cinematic Two-Face, Tommy Lee Jones or Aaron Eckhart.
PACKERS 22, FALCONS 21
The Packers snapped a five game winless streak, leading coach Mike McCarthy to get really cocky by saying, “Aaron who? Matt Flynn is my guy!” before Flynn got really nervous and barfed at the prospect of having to start more games.
PATRIOTS 27, BROWNS 26
Cleveland had this one within their grasp then blew it as Tom Brady threw two TD passes in the final 61 seconds. What made it even worse is that after the game Brady pulled up in front of their team bus in a convertible wearing a leather jacket, said, “Let’s go girls,” as all the Browns’ girlfriends got in his car, then peeled out spraying rocks in their faces while AC/DC’s “Back in Black” blared from the car’s speakers.
JETS 37, RAIDERS 27
Afterwards Raiders safety Charles Woodson said, “Today was as bad as we played this season…we looked like the Bad News Bears out there.” Woodson was probably referring to the point in the game where Raiders QB Mike McGloin intentionally fumbled and let the Jets return the TD just to show up his asshole coach, who had just hit him the face without facing legal repercussion for some reason.
EAGLES 34, LIONS 20
The snow came down so heavy in this one that neither team attempted a field goal. In fairness to the teams though, both teams’ kickers spent the game cowering at their teams’ hotels, afraid to brave the elements like the real men who play actual football positions.
DOLPHINS 34, STEELERS 28
Pittsburgh nearly won the game on a crazy last minute play that included several laterals, but WR Antonio Brown stepped out of bounds before crossing the goal line. Coach Mike Tomlin was perplexed: “It’s so weird. We spend literally our entire practice session practicing that play where we just throw a ton of laterals in a desperate attempt to win. You’d think it would work.” Tomlin then rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Now that I think about it, maybe if we practiced some other plays we wouldn’t be 5-8.”
BUCCANEERS 27, BILLS 6
The press killed Greg Schiano after a 4-9 start, but his team has circled the wagons to win four in a row. Their biggest motivation? Terry Schiavo, who Schiano claimed was his late wife hoping none of the players would notice only one letter was off.
CHIEFS 45, REDSKINS 10
Redskins coach Mike Shanahan was mum on his future with the team after this embarrassing loss: “It’s not the right time or place to talk about my relationship with Daniel Snyder,” he said. He then motioned for all the reporters to follow him into the hallway where he whispered, “He touches me in bad places but I’m afraid to tell anyone. Please don’t make me go home with him,” before Snyder appeared in the doorway to yell, “Michael! In the car, now!” as Shanahan slumped his shoulders and walked away, defeated.
RAVENS 29, VIKINGS 26
Justin Tucker described a wild game featuring 5 TDs in the final 125 seconds with one word: “Pandemonium.” Tucker said he hoped next week’s game couldn’t be described with the word, “Pandora,” meaning it went on way too long and basically just ripped off Dances With Wolves.
BRONCOS 51, TITANS 28
The highlight of this one was Denver K Matt Prater’s league-record 64 yard field goal. “I have a lot of people to thank for this,” said Prater afterwards. “My family for believing in me, the long-snapper for giving me a good snap, God for making the air in Denver very thin and therefore easier to kick field goals in, and the guy in the back alley who injected my leg with some weird kind of horse steroid to make it much stronger.”
CARDINALS 30, RAMS 10
This win ends an eight-game losing streak within the NFC West for Arizona. It has them so cocky they want to show up next week outside Seattle’s stadium to challenge them ala Clubber Lang even though they’re scheduled to play the Titans in Tennessee.
49ERS 19, SEAHAWKS 17
San Francisco denied Seattle the chance to clinch the NFC West in their home stadium. According to WR Anquan Boldin, “We’re playing for our lives.” This may have explained why Boldin played the entire game wearing a life preserver and clutching a First Aid kit.
SAINTS 31, PANTHERS 13
New Orleans asserted their dominance in the NFC South, scoring four TDs, amassing 373 total yards, and peeing on several of the Panthers possessions.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Cowboys defeat the Bears to keep pace with the Eagles in the NFC East. Win or lose, Jerry Jones will tell everyone what a great job Jason Garrett is doing and that his job is totally 100% safe at least until somebody better comes along.
That’s it for Week 14. Check back here next week, and every week, for a recap of NFL action so good it’ll make you want to name a winter storm after the worst singer of all time.