We’re back for week 13. It’s Cyber Monday, so I really appreciate that you’re reading this and not ordering stuff on Amazon. And if you are on Amazon, the least you could do is order me something good. Onto the Rinse:
RAVENS 22, STEELERS 20
Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin may face a six-figure fine from the NFL for stepping on the field to impede Baltimore return man Jacoby Jones. Tomlin confirmed that the gaffe was in fact intentional and all part of his plan to become more and more like a heel pro wrestling manager each week. For next week’s game he plans to throw salt in the opposing running back’s face and insult the intelligence of the hometown fans.
COWBOYS 31, RAIDERS 24
Dallas won despite Tony Romo catching a virus the night before the game. He celebrated by eating a turkey stuffed with Nyquil gel caps.
LIONS 40, PACKERS 10
The Lions first Thanksgiving Day win in ten years finally made the Lions something Detroit could be proud of joining a small list that includes Barry Sanders, Robocop, Miguel Cabrera and the fact that you can buy a house there for like, $100.
JAGUARS 32, BROWNS 28
This loss moves the Browns to 4-8 and all but removes them from playoff contention. The team was said to be in good spirits after the loss, however, as they were pretty much eliminated from playoff contention earlier in the season when they realized they were the Cleveland Browns.
COLTS 22, TITANS 14
The league’s oldest player Adam Vinatieri kicked five field goals to key the win. He celebrated by eating a lukewarm bowl of porridge and yelling at his grandkids for not calling him enough.
VIKINGS 23, BEARS 20
This was the Vikings’ second straight overtime game. Minnesota coach Leslie Frazier emphasized the positive: “We here in the Vikings organization believe in giving our fans more bang for their buck. These past two weeks we’ve given them an extra quarter of play, free of charge.” Frazier then paused and added, “Please don’t fire me. I’m not good at coaching football but I really like getting paid lots of money to do it.”
DOLPHINS 23, JETS 3
The Jets replaced Geno Smith with Matt Simms at quarterback but Simms was equally ineffective. If the next guy doesn’t work out they’re going to ask the NFL if they can just play defense the whole game.
EAGLES 24, CARDINALS 21
QB Nick Foles continued his tear, setting the franchise record for consecutive passes without an interception and breaking Mike Vick’s previous record. Afterwards Foles said, “I really respect Mike, so to have this in common with him is great. It’s not the only thing we have in common though. For three years I ran a dogfighting ring.” When all the reporters laughed at Foles, he smirked and said, “That’s right…laugh it up.”
PANTHERS 27, BUCCANEERS 6
As the Panthers continue to roll, QB Cam Newton paid homage to his college team’s big win on Saturday by repeating Auburn University’s mantra in the postgame press conference: “War Eagle. War Eagle. War Damn Eagle,” Newton said. When asked to clarify he said, “It’s a double entendre. I support Auburn football but I also want to let everyone know about my pet eagle, who’s big into military strategy. Just the other night I was trying to go to bed and he keeps waking my ass up telling me facts from this new book he read about the Battle of Antietam.”
PATRIOTS 34, TEXANS 31
Although it was a win, it was an ugly one for the Patriots. Afterwards Bill Belichick said, “Hopefully, I can find a way to coach better than I’ve done.” When asked what gives on the low self-esteem, Belichick admitted that the players often abuse him verbally, leaving him feeling unworthy. “They’re just under a lot of pressure, is all. I know that deep down they actually love me,” Belichick added before scurrying away when WR Julian Edelman interrupted the press conference to say, “Bitch, get your ass over here!”
FALCONS 34, BILLS 31
Bills coach Doug Marrone did not handle the loss well: “I’m upset. There are words I can’t use to describe how I feel.” Marrone then added, “I mean literally. No one ever taught me how to cuss. During my weekly poker game with the boys last Thursday I lost $40. I had no idea how to voice my displeasure, so I ended up screaming, ‘ARRRGGHH!’ for thirty seconds straight. Needless to say, my friends were deeply disturbed.”
49ERS 23, RAMS 13
San Francisco moves to 8-4 and in good standing in the NFC playoff race. “All the pressure, all the high stakes this time of the year, I thought our guys answered the bell on that,” coach Jim Harbaugh said. “I’m of course referring to Black Friday shopping. Several of our guys took the streets Thanksgiving night and got some great deals. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go plan for our next game,” said Harbaugh as he slung a really nice Coach purse over his shoulder and walked away in brand new Air Jordans.
BRONCOS 35, CHIEFS 28
Eric Decker had a career day, catching 8 passes for 174 yards with 4 TDs. Decker’s tremendous output and last name that’s a synonym for “puncher” will no doubt lead to him becoming the official spokesman for the Knockout Game.
BENGALS 17, CHARGERS 10
When asked to describe the Bengals approach in this hard fought win, CB Adam Jones said it was, “Down and dirty.” Jones said this also describes the newest product he’s endorsing: a line of broken pornographic compasses that only point in one direction.
GIANTS 24, REDSKINS 17
When asked about his job security after the team’s ninth loss, Washington coach Mike Shanahan said, “Before you all criticize, keep in mind that we did have some of the Navajo Code Talkers on the field before last week’s Monday Night game.” When the press reminded Shanahan that they were asking about his job and not the controversy surrounding the team’s name, he nodded and said, “Some Indians even refer to themselves as ‘Redskins.’”
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Seahawks will edge the Saints at home in a terrific game. During the postgame handshake, Drew Brees will quiz Russell Wilson on how he can be whiter.
That’s it for week 13. Check back next week, and every week, for a recap of all the NFL action so good it’ll make you want to trample other Walmart customers to get a discounted TV.