It’s Week 12 in the NFL. The NFL suspended referee Roy Ellison for cursing out Trent Williams. Ellison plans to appeal by showing the league hard evidence that Williams had indeed fornicated with several mothers. Onto the Rinse:
VIKINGS 26, PACKERS 26
In a promotional tie-in for the recently released film Hunger Games: Catching Fire, after the overtime period expired the NFL forced these teams back into the arena to fight to the death.
STEELERS 27, BROWNS 11
Jason Campbell’s concussion meant the Browns had to insert ineffective backup QB Brandon Weeden. Weeden is so bad the team has been forced to purchase “Weeden Insurance,” which allows them to carry an extra QB so Weeden will never have to come in.
BUCCANEERS 24, LIONS 21
Detroit WR Nate Burleson said of the loss to the hapless Bucs: “We can’t let this stay in our system too long.” To ensure it doesn’t, the entire team has pledged to go on a vegetable cleanse. For their game next Thursday they’re replacing the Gatorade tubs with water coolers full of V-8.
CHARGERS 41, CHIEFS 38
After the upset win, Phil Rivers said, “This was a great win for us and I know that somewhere up there,” Rivers pointed to the sky and continued, “Norv Turner’s smiling down on us.” After being told that Turner had been fired by the Chargers but was in fact alive, Rivers face went white and he said, “They told me we had to put Coach Turner down! So you mean he’s still out there somewhere!?!?! I gotta find him!” Rivers then bolted from the locker room in his underwear, presumably to find Norv Turner.
RAMS 42, BEARS 21
This game featured two brothers: St. Louis’s Kyle Long going against Chicago’s Kyle Long. The clear winner? Their father and former Oakland Raider Howie Long’s superhuman seed.
COWBOYS 24, GIANTS 21
Tony Romo led the Cowboys on a game-winning drive as time expired, causing many to wonder who the hell is wearing this Tony Romo mask and what the hell have they done with the real Tony Romo? Dallas coach Jason Garrett was perplexed: “Look, I know Tony Romo, and that guy wasn’t Tony. Please, whoever kidnapped him: we all just want to know that Tony’s safe.” Garrett went on to add that he won’t feel better about this until Tony Romo is back under center for the Cowboys throwing interceptions at key moments.
PANTHERS 20, DOLPHINS 16
After this hard fought win, Cam Newton said, “It wasn’t pretty, but at the end of the game we get that three letter word, and that’s gorgeous.” When asked to clarify what three letter word he meant, Newton’s eyes lit up and he yelled, “Ham!” as Panthers officials wheeled in the four barrels full of Honeybaked Hams they are contractually obligated to provide Newton after all victories.
RAVENS 19, JETS 3
Over the last six games, Jets rookie QB Geno Smith has thrown 10 interceptions and only 1 touchdown, leading many speculate how long it’s going to take a New York Post headline to refer to him as “Black Sanchez.”
JAGUARS 13, TEXANS 6
One more bad outing for Houston QB Case Keenum and he’ll have to return to his original profession being a detective from a series of young adult mystery novels.
TITANS 23, RAIDERS 19
Coach Mike Munchak was thrilled that the win put Tennessee in a six-way tie for the final AFC playoff spot. “Hopefully we’ll win a few more to separate ourselves. We can’t have 11 teams in the playoffs,” said Munchak before someone explained to him the concept of tiebreakers.
SAINTS 17, FALCONS 13
In a stunning role reversal, the Saints’ defense is starting to win some games for them. Asked about this, Drew Brees scoffed and said, “Oh, great. Does this mean the offense can suck for the better part of a decade and we’ll still win a Super Bowl?”
CARDINALS 40, COLTS 11
The Colts are reeling and according to head coach Chuck Pagano, “There is blood in the water right now.” This doesn’t bode well for Indianapolis, as their opponent next week is a team full of actual sharks.
PATRIOTS 34, BRONCOS 31
Bill Belichick dissed Peyton Manning big time by giving him the ball to start overtime, assuming Manning couldn’t go the length of the field in the wind and score a touchdown. Belichick took the insult a step further after the game by inviting Manning’s wife to come over if she ever wanted to “experience a man who has no trouble going all the way in the wind.” When asked what the wind had to do with his sexual performance, Belichick admitted that part didn’t make a whole lot of sense, he just kind of got caught up in the moment.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The 49ers will defeat the Redskins. To prove to his teammates that he holds himself accountable, Robert Griffin III will yell, “God! I, Robert Griffin III suck and am taking the blame for this mistake!” every time he screws up.
That’s it for week 12. Check back next week, and every week, for a recap of all the NFL action so good it’ll make you want to pretty much let Iran build up nuclear weapons to eventually destroy us.