November is almost over, so that means Movember is almost over as well. It’s too late to convince guys to opt out, but here are some things to consider when October 31st, 2014 rolls around and you’re debating whether or not to shave:
YOU DON’T GET ANYTHING FOR IT
You get to November 30th with out shaving. Guess what? Nothing happens. There’s no reward. At least with a marathon there’s a sense of accomplishment. When you finish Movember you get a sink full of lip hair that has to be dealt with. Nobody even hands you a water cup. Maybe you can convince your significant other to hand you some shaving cream, but that’s a stretch.
IT MAKES THANKSGIVING MORE CREEPY
As we all know, Thanksgiving falls at the end of the month. And we also know that as men, nothing makes a holiday feel special like looking around the dinner table to be welcomed by the faces of our mothers, wives, daughters, and sisters next to a bunch of guys who look like registered sex offenders. A shitty moustache is pretty much standard issue when you become a child molester so I’m not sure why so many dudes willingly want to look that way for one of the most cherished of holidays. It’s awkward enough trying to create conversation around the holidays without having an uncle who looks like Bill Macy in Boogie Nights. Unless you’re in the Selleck household, moustaches add nothing.
IT TAKES ZERO SKILL
You grew a moustache? Allow me to congratulate you along with the millions of other scraggly-faced losers who don’t have the self-respect to shave on a semi-daily basis. In my case, I’m able to grow a pretty full beard to the point where I’ll get compliments on it. Why? I didn’t do anything. If anything, you should thank my parents for giving me such awesome DNA. The point is your ability to grow a moustache has nothing to do with any inherent talent. Which leads me to my next point:
I DON’T NEED AN EXCUSE TO BE LAZY
Grown men shouldn’t need an excuse not to shave. Use the same excuses everyone else uses: unemployment and lack of self-esteem. I grew a beard this November because I wanted to. I shaved it a few days ago. Not sure if this means I won’t qualify for the Beard Olympics, but I can live with that.
IT’S ONLY A BIG DEAL TO GUYS WHO CAN’T NORMALLY GROW FACIAL HAIR
Any guy who makes a big deal about growing a beard is really just celebrating the fact that he went through puberty. Sorry you weren’t properly congratulated when your balls dropped, but it’s not that big a deal.
YOU’RE ALLOWED TO JUST GIVE TO CHARITY WHENEVER
Some people participate in Movember for charity. What does that mean, though, when you really think about it? Think about that statement. “I’m growing my moustache for charity.” I get that people give you money for growing the moustache, but what about growing a moustache itself is charitable? Think of how weird that idea is when taken literally. Can you imagine just showing up at the Red Cross with bags of your facial hair saying, “Give this to whoever need it most” as the volunteers debate calling 9-1-1 on you? Or going down to a soup kitchen and ladling out a generous helping of “cheese and your moustache hair” soup to some confused bum? Just cut a check, man.