It’s Week 11 in the NFL and the playoff picture is starting to take shape. It’s getting so exciting we might all be able to forget that all these guys will have serious health problems in 15-20 years. Onto the Rinse:
BILLS 37, JETS 14
Buffalo rattled rookie QB Geno Smith as he was pulled early in the fourth quarter. Smith denied this however, saying he only wanted to leave early to beat traffic, and that he definitely wasn’t crying. What are you looking at?!?
BEARS 23, RAVENS 20
This game was delayed over an hour due to heavy rain and all the tough guy football players forgetting that they aren’t pussy boy baseball players.
GIANTS 27, PACKERS 13
New York’s fourth win in a row pulls them to within two games of the NFC East lead, giving the formerly 0-6 team a glimmer of hope. They won because they remembered that hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. Also, Tom Coughlin had Tim Robbins give the pregame speech in character as Andy Dufresne.
BENGALS 41, BROWNS 20
Cincinnati won this Battle of Ohio. The good news is they won a football game. The bad news is they now have full custody of Ohio. Hope you like dealing with obesity and rampant unemployment, Bengals.
EAGLES 24, REDSKINS 16
The Redskins rallied behind 24-0 but came up short with Robert Griffin III throwing an interception in the end zone on a late drive. Said Griffin of the gaffe: “My teammates wanted me to throw a TD, but I was determined to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming the black Tony Romo.”
STEELERS 37, LIONS 27
Calvin Johnson again went hog wild, catching 6 passes for 179 yards and 2 TDs – all in the first half. To combat Megatron next week, the Buccaneers have signed a new cornerback – one of the kaiju from Pacific Rim.
COLTS 30, TEXANS 27
The Colts came back, although they’ve been out-scored 35-0 in the first quarters of their last 3 games. “This sucks!” said coach Chuck Pagano. “If we keep this up, how can we expect to win the First Quarter Super Bowl that is actually a thing!” When told by reporters that there was no First Quarter Super Bowl and that someone was pulling his leg, Pagano turned ashen and said, “But I bought, like, 50 tickets to it for my family from that nice man outside my office.”
BUCCANEERS 41, FALCONS 28
Coach Greg Schiano was estatic after the win. “We’ve won two in a row, things are clicking, and I’m pumped to see this kaiju we signed to defend Calvin Johnson,” said Schiano. When a pool reporter asked Schiano about how the kaiju in question looks like a combination of Schiano himself and a giant lizard, Schiano turned deadly serious. “What? What are you saying? That the kaiju is my kid, and I’m only signing him because he’s my kid? Well forget it, he’s not.” Schiano began pacing nervously and wiping sweat from his brow. “I mean, we got him based on his football ability, I….” Schiano then took a long gulp of water before breaking down in tears. “He’s mine! He’s my kid! Allright? I impregnated a kaiju hooker when I was in Japan! And now this is something I have to deal with!” Schiano cried into a handkerchief and attempted to speak through his tears as snot bubbles dripped from his nose. “I don’t know what to do. The worst part is, I’m on the hook for child support and I don’t know what their currency is! I tried to give them cash but they wouldn’t take it! This was the best idea I could come up with!” Schiano pathetically slumped into the fetal position, sobbing heavily as he cried, “Please, would somebody kill it and make this go away? Somebody kill my kaiju whore baby. Please? OH GOD, SOMEONE PLEASE KILL MY KAIJU WHORE BABY!”
CARDINALS 27, JAGUARS 14
I don’t have a joke for this one guys. Sorry. Truth be told, that Schiano joke took a lot out of me. And let’s be real: who gives a shit about the Cardinals or the Jaguars?
RAIDERS 28, TEXANS 23
Long time teammates Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub got into a sideline argument. Most thought it was due to Schaub’s poor play at quarterback, but it was actually due to Schaub trying to convince Johnson that Taye Diggs outperformed Morris Chestnut in Best Man Holiday. Everyone in the league knows that Johnson is a notorious Chestnut buff.
DOLPHINS 20, CHARGERS 16
The Dolphins celebrated the win by definitely respecting everyone in the locker room’s feelings and not calling anyone any type of names. Unless they want to be called a name. It’s totally up to them.
SAINTS 23, 49ERS 20
Marques Colston became the Saints all-time leader in receiving yardage. Colston dedicated his achievement to everyone named Marques out there saying that it’s not easy to grow up with parents who don’t know how to spell Marcus.
SEAHAWKS 41, VIKINGS 20
The Vikings moved to 2-8 and finally realized that Christian Ponder hasn’t actually been playing quarterback this whole time. It’s been a scarecrow made to look like Ponder while Ponder sneaks out to explore Chicago with his best friend Cameron and girlfriend Sloan.
BRONCOS 27, CHIEFS 17
Peyton Manning handed Kansas City their first loss on two injured, heavily taped ankles. When asked how this affected his play, Manning said, “To be 100% honest with you, I’m not even hurt. This is just to promote my new cartoon series, Ankle Mummies. It’s about a couple of ankles buried in a pyramid years ago waking up and trying to adjust to modern day life. It’s going to be me and Eli are doing the voices.” When a reporter attempted to call him out on this obvious bullshit, Manning interrupted him and said, “That’s Ankle Mummies: Sundays at 9, this fall on CBS.”
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Patriots will upset the Panthers. The rest of the league will wonder if it needs a silver stake through the heart to finally kill Tom Brady.
That’s it for this week. Check back next week, and every week, for a recap of all the NFL action so good it’ll make you want to light one up with Rob Ford.