GIANTS 24, RAIDERS 20
New York was boosted by the return of RB Andre Brown. Brown has overcome many setbacks during his career including multiple injuries, being cut by multiple teams, and the disappointment felt by multiple people upon meeting him and realizing they misheard and are not meeting wonderful actor Andre Braugher.
JAGUARS 29, TITANS 27
Jacksonville celebrated their first win with some spirited high fives followed by the sobering realization that this is as good as it’s going to get.
EAGLES 27, PACKERS 13
Nick Foles threw 3 more touchdowns. Afterwards he said he’s just enjoying the ride at least until Satan comes to Earth to claim his soul.
LIONS 21, BEARS 19
Calvin Johnson broke Herman Moore’s franchise record for touchdown receptions. When asked his reaction, Moore said, “I don’t care about him, my life sucks. It’s gotten so bad I’ve resorted to selling my sex tapes online. Everyone go to HermanMooreSexMovies.com to purchase my new joint called Herman’s Head.”
RAMS 38, COLTS 8
This blowout was more stunning then the time the stunningly beautiful Kate Upton delivered a Stone Cold Stunner to a guy who makes stun guns.
STEELERS 23, BILLS 10
It’s unclear whether the rust shown by Bills QB EJ Manuel was due to his injury or just him, as a Buffalo Bill, becoming resigned to his fate as a terrible football player.
RAVENS 20, BENGALS 17
Due to the successful Hail Mary they completed at the end of regulation to force overtime, the Bengals went on to fire their offensive coordinator and replace him with a guy who on every play says, “Hey why don’t we run that play we ran at the end of the Baltimore game?”
SEAHAWKS 33, FALCONS 10
“It was tough sledding out there,” said the recently returned Atlanta WR Roddy White afterwards before adding, “It probably would’ve been a lot easier to score if we weren’t all playing on tobaggans.”
SAINTS 49, COWBOYS 17
New Orleans had an NFL-record 40 first downs. “Spreading the ball around, getting everybody involved — these are the days you love to have,” said QB Drew Brees. Brees added, “Everyone should get some ball, much like everyone would in a socialist state. If you all have some time I have some literature you may find fascinating,” before reporters fled his locker as he pulled out a copy of Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto.
VIKINGS 34, REDSKINS 27
Christian Ponder actually didn’t play too bad before being replaced by Matt Cassel due to injury. If Cassel gets hurt, the team will go back to Josh Freeman. If Freeman gets hurt, the team will go to their next CFL-level quarterback. If that guy gets hurt, the team will fold, blow up the stadium and commit a team-wide act of seppuku.
PANTHERS 10, 49ERS 9
Carolina proved it could win ugly as neither team’s offense played well. “It was a maturity jump for us,” said QB Cam Newton. Other jumps in maturity for the Panthers included their voices deepening, their testicles descending, and weird feelings towards the opposite sex emerging within them.
CARDINALS 27, TEXANS 24
According to Arizona LB Karlos Dansby, the defense really started to click when they told themselves, “Let’s play nasty, let’s play dirty.” Teammates agreed that Dansby took the concept of playing “nasty and dirty” too far when in the third quarter he brandished a black, knobby dildo with a wild look in his eye.
BRONCOS 28, CHARGERS 20
Peyton Manning suffered a minor injury to his ankle while he was running out the clock late. The Broncos responded by handing Manning an icepack, an unsolicited $10 million bonus, and a tearful plea for him to never ever leave them as they don’t know what they’d do without him.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Dolphins hand the Bucs their ninth loss. Due to the game being largely uninteresting, ESPN opts to let Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden spend three hours reading Richie Incognito’s old text messages.
That’s it for week 10 in the NFL. Check back here next week, and every week, for a recap of NFL action so good it’ll make you want to take a veteran to Applebee’s for a free meal until you realize Applebee’s sucks.