It’s week 9 in the NFL. The Miami Dolphins suspended Richie Incognito for bullying Jonathan Martin. Hearing this, a kicker hanging from a locker by the elastic waistband on his jockstrap replied, “Wait, guys can get suspended for that?” Onto the Rinse:
CHIEFS 23, BILLS 13
Kansas City’s defense gave up a season-worst 470 yards to Buffalo’s sixteenth-string QB. They face Denver after next week’s bye. Based on these two facts, in their week 11 matchup Peyton Manning is on pace to throw for 3,472 yards.
COWBOYS 27, VIKINGS 23
Tony Romo is now officially clutch, throwing a late-game TD to win it. Afterwards, Romo said, “You can’t phase me! I’ve got ice water running through these veins.” Romo then turned serious and said, “I’m not joking, I really do have ice water instead of blood. Have no idea what to do about it. I typed it into WebMD and they just told me I was one of the X-Men.”
TITANS 28, RAMS 21
Since he wasn’t able to beat his former team, Rams coach Jeff Fisher pathetically posted lots of pictures of him and the Rams having fun on Facebook to show the Titans how happy he is now.
JETS 26, SAINTS 20
Brothers Rex and Rob Ryan had a little fun, switching places for this game. “How’d you like our little prank?” said Rex afterwards, taking off his fake goatee and wig. “Not as much as our wives did, I bet!” Little did the Ryan brothers know that both their wives were aware of the switch. Turns out Rex’s wife liked it better when he was chunky.
REDSKINS 30, CHARGERS 24
With the ball on the six inch line in regulation, San Diego failed on three attempts to get the ball in the end zone. The Redskins assured the Chargers that there was nothing to be ashamed of, as this happens to all football teams. They then gently massaged the Chargers back and secretly contemplated a fling with that stud from work.
PANTHERS 34, FALCONS 10
Atlanta TE Tony Gonzalez wasn’t worried about Matt Ryan throwing three interceptions: “I know Matt. He’s going to look at this film. He’s going to obsess over it.” Gonzalez was wrong, however, as the only film Ryan obsessed over this weekend was Last Vegas. He’s a big Kevin Kline fan.
DOLPHINS 22, BENGALS 20
In a rare occurence, the Dolphins won this game on a safety in overtime. In an even rarer occurence, someone actually thought to themselves, “Man, I can’t believe the Cincinnati Bengals blew it.”
SEAHAWKS 27, BUCS 24
Tampa running back Mike James spent the afternoon rushing for 158 yards and throwing a TD. In contrast, comedian Mike James spent the afternoon wishing he hadn’t drank 18 rum and cokes the night before.
EAGLES 49, RAIDERS 20
QB Nick Foles tied an NFL record with 7 TD passes. This newfound publicity led him to debut his new character “Nick Folte,” in the post game press conference. Basically he just called everyone “convict” and says, “Awwww hell!” a lot.
This week I have a guest contributor: fellow comic and noted Browns fan Matty Litwack wrote this next entry in honor of the Browns beating the rival Ravens:
BROWNS 24, RAVENS 18
The Browns beat the Ravens for the first time in 6 years, proving that being a Browns fan is about as difficult as earning a Ph.D.
PATRIOTS 55, STEELERS 31
QB Ben Roethlisberger threw his 200th TD pass. This is second most all-time for a Steeler and most all-time for a rapist.
COLTS 27, TEXANS 24
This was Andrew Luck’s 10th 4th quarter comeback of his young career. “I want more now,” said a hungry Luck afterwards. “I want the 4th quarter comeback record. Nothing else matters.” Next week Luck has requested coach Chuck Pagano start DE Robert Mathis at quarterback for the first three quarters.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
Josh McCown will lead the Bears in an upset of the Packers. He will then best Jay Cutler yet again by announcing he’s dating Lauren Conrad, who’s way hotter than Kristen Cavallari anyway.
That’s it for week 9. Check back next week, and every week, for an NFL recap so good it’ll distract you from the fact that NFL coaches are dropping like flies due to heart conditions. Seriously guys, take it easy.