LIONS 31, COWBOYS 30
Calvin Johnson had 329 receiving yards. Unfortunately for the Lions, he won’t play next week because he’ll be too busy invading any country he wants to.
PANTHERS 31, BUCCANEERS 13
Carolina is over .500 for the first time in Cam Newton’s career. The usually humble Newton handled it with grace and class, ordering only 5 giant cakes with his picture and the words “I AM THE GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER ALIVE” written on it in icing.
BENGALS 49, JETS 9
Andy Dalton threw for 5 TDs but was pragmatic after the win: “We knew we had a tough game ahead of us. The Jets have a great defense and on top of that, over the past few weeks the city of Cincinnati has been haunted.” When asked to clarify, Dalton elaborated: “Well, we’ve seen lots of ghosts, ghouls, and goblins all around town. Some of them look fake, but at least a few of them have to be genuine ghosts. I mean, who knows? With apparations it’s impossible to predict.” When informed these may just be Halloween decorations, Dalton laughed derisively and said, “Okay buddy, well when you get dragged to Hell by some demon hellspawn, I’ll be the one saying ‘I told you so.'”
CHIEFS 23, BROWNS 17
The Browns lost using yet another QB, this time Jason Campbell. Next week’s QB? A Jugs machine in a Browns jersey.
RAIDERS 21, STEELERS 18
Terrelle Pryor had a 93 TD yard run on the first play from scrimmage, leading Pryor to campaign for the starting RB job. “With this historic scamper, we’ve seen my ultimate strength: running long distances in a straight line,” said Pryor. “We should utilize that and pay me double.” When asked how he would play both positions, Pryor admitted that not only did he not really understand the game of football that well, but he also never learned to read.
SAINTS 35, BILLS 17
Despite missing practice most of this week, TE Jimmy Graham scored two TDs for New Orleans. “Lucky for me, our medical staff had me on a hella big amount of steroids,” said Graham before adding, “Did I say steroids? I meant vitamins.”
PATRIOTS 27, DOLPHINS 17
Tom Brady had another underwhelming performance. When asked to explain, Brady said, “I’ve got nobody to throw to. Have you guys taken a look at who my receivers are? It’s literally a white guy, a former CFL defensive back, our UPS guy, and a pregnant woman.” When asked what the pregnant woman planned to name her child, Brady laughed cynically, shook his head and said, “Who gives a shit? The point is she shouldn’t be playing.” Brady then put his head in his hands, choked back tears, and bit his lip as he said, “And I’ll tell you something else. I’m the father. Okay? You happy now? That’s the only reason the Patriots signed her, because I couldn’t afford child support for another one of my bastard kids.”
GIANTS 15, EAGLES 7
The Giants won their second game in a row as they continue masquerading as their Halloween costume: a decent NFL team.
BRONCOS 45, REDSKINS 21
RG3 was injured in the loss. When asked on the status of his QB, a clearly in-denial coach Mike Shanahan smiled nervously and said, “Never better!” When several reporters remarked they could hear Griffin groaning in pain from the trainer’s room, Shanahan continued smiling and said, “Oh, no! I coached in Denver for years, the mice around here are notorious for sounding like people in agony. Just a mouse!” When Griffin let out an even more agonizing scream, Shanahan wiped his brow and shouted, “It’s just a mouse he’s fine!”
49ERS 42, JAGUARS 10
The Jaguars were the official “home” team for this game in London. The city was so welcoming, half the players decided to stay and start new lives in England. Cecil Shorts III for one plans to become a Welsh blacksmith.
CARDINALS 27, FALCONS 13
Arizona RB Andre Ellington gained 154 yards in his first career start. “If only my great uncle Duke could see me now,” Ellington told reporters after the game. When asked if he was referring to legendary jazz musician Duke Ellington, Ellington said, “Oh, no. Duke Richardson, on my mama’s side. He’s a blind janitor. Possesses zero musical talent. Can’t see shit.”
PACKERS 44, VIKINGS 31
Aaron Rodgers was unusually downtrodden after the big win. “Win, loss…with everything going on in the world, what does it matter? You have to keep this game in perspective. I mean, we got war in Syria, people getting shot in America….hell, I heard rumors that the city of Cincinnati’s under ghost attack.”
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Seahawks will beat the Rams. Brett Favre will send Jenn Sterger a text saying, “I bet the Rams could’ve used me out there. See? I’m still kinda relevant. Anyway, I’ve attached another picture of my penis.”
That’s it for Week 8. Check back next week, and every week, for a recap of all the week’s NFL action so good it’ll make you forget your overweight coworker who showed up to the office on Halloween in her Little Mermaid costume.