STEELERS 19, RAVENS 16
The latest chapter in this brutal rivalry went down to the wire, with Pittsburgh kicking a last minute field goal then assaulting several Ravens players outside in a vicious parking lot brawl. Ben Roethlisberger did not take part as none of the Ravens are women.
COWBOYS 17, EAGLES 3
The Eagles had yet another QB injured, with Nick Foles giving way to Matt Barkley. In preparation for next week’s game, team doctors have advised Barkley to avoid walking under ladders, letting black cats cross his path, and playing behind the Eagles’ offensive line.
REDSKINS 45, BEARS 41
After tying Deion Sanders’ record for return touchdowns, Devin Hester received a congratulatory text from Prime Time himself. According to Hester, the text said, “Hey here is a picture of my penis, pls don’t tell my wife. Oh my bad, wrong person. Congrats on record.” Hester then paused, furrowed his brow, and added, “Wait…if he realized he was sending it to the wrong person before he was done typing, why did he still hit send?”
JETS 30, PATRIOTS 27
Bill Belichick was so angry with New England defender Chris Jones for his costly unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in OT mainly because it forced him to actually have to emote, leading him to have a breakthrough where he realized he was really mad at himself for never getting a chance to say goodbye to his childhood goldfish.
CHARGERS 24, JAGUARS 6
The Jaguars season has become so hopeless that the team has sold everything about their identity – uniforms, stadium name, even roster spots – to corporate sponsors. The lone bright spot on offense was 152 yards passing from their new QB, Chris Hemsworth dressed as Thor from Thor: The Dark World which opens in 3D IMax November 8. On the bright side, the team showed decent progress on defense according to their new head coach, the Green M&M.
PANTHERS 30, RAMS 15
QB Sam Bradford left with an injury, leaving Rams coach Jeff Fisher to say, “This is a huge blow to our offense…I guess? I mean, we were mediocre with him, so who knows? I guess it sucks. I just feel like there are more pressing world issues that demand our attention before an average quarterback getting hurt. Take Syria, for example. What’s going on there?”
BENGALS 27, LIONS 24
AJ Green and Calvin Johnson both put on clinics on how to dominate at wide receiver. Green and Johnson also came together after the game to run a free health clinic for Detroit-area folks. “If there’s one thing AJ and I agree on,” said Johnson, “it’s that the good people of Michigan deserve vaccinations at no cost adminstered by NFL players for some reason.”
49ERS 31, TITANS 17
According to coach Jim Harbaugh, “This was a big game, and we were treating it like the biggest game of the season.” Upon hearing this, a blushing Titans coach Mike Munchak giggled and said, “Really? He said that? Well, I do declare…Coach Harbaugh done given me the vapors!” while fanning himself.
PACKERS 31, BROWNS 13
With QB Brandon Weeden ineffective yet again, Browns coach Rob Chudzinski has no idea who to play at QB. “We may look to trade,” said Chudzinski. “We might talk to Jacksonville and see if they’d take a 3rd or 4th rounder for Chris Hemsworth dressed as Thor from Thor: The Dark World, opening in IMAX 3D in theaters everywhere November 8.”
SEAHAWKS 34, CARDINALS 22
Seattle returned two interceptions for touchdowns, confirming everyone’s long-held belief that Carson Palmer is just Matt Schaub wearing one of those Mission: Impossible masks.
BILLS 23, DOLPHINS 21
Buffalo replaced the injured EJ Manuel with Thad Lewis, marking the first time in NFL history a guy named Thad got anywhere near an NFL game.
CHIEFS 17, TEXANS 16
After winning two games last year, the Chiefs are now 7-0. “I must be dreaming right now!” exclaimed QB Alex Smith. “Somebody pinch me!” Smith turned deathly serious and added, “I’m serious. I get off on getting pinched. I’m into that shit. After every game I log on to various sick websites responding to personal ads looking for people who either want to pinch me or get pinched by me.” Smith turned around and left, revealing the back of his shirt to have a sticker with an ad for the website “PinchAlexSmith.com” on it.
FALCONS 31, BUCCANEERS 23
No Roddy White or Julio Jones for Atlanta? No problem, as Jacquizz Rodgers stepped up with 2 TDs. Rodgers took the opportunity during the postgame press conference to highlight his new business called Jacquizz’s Jacuzzis, which is a series of hot tubs shaped like him. “It’s got everything you want in the hot tub experience, with the added bonus of getting to sit on my face!” said Rodgers, not realizing how that sounded.
COLTS 39, BRONCOS 33
Peyton Manning was unsuccessful in his return to Indianapolis. After the game, he was even more troubled to return home to find he had been replaced as a father and husband by Andrew Luck as he watched Luck at the dinner table with his daughter, son, and wife. After getting over his initial rage, Manning said, “Wait…why are you eating dinner at 2AM on a Sunday night?” Manning then looked at his phone and said, “Wait…why did Deion Sanders just text me a picture of his cock?”
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Vikings will send the Giants to 0-7. Immediately upon completing the postgame handshake, coach Tom Coughlin will wake from his slumber in a cold sweat. “What is it, Coach?” Eli Manning will say in bed next to him. “Oh, nothing,” Coughlin will respond. “I just dreamt we were 0-7.” RB David Wilson will then also wake and say, “Coach, did you say you had a nightmare that we’re 0-7?” “Yes, I did,” Coughlin will respond, “But don’t worry, we’re not. I’d never let that happen to you. Now back to sleep, and remember, tomorrow night it’s back to your own beds with the both of you!”
That’s it for this week 7. Check back next week, and every week, for a recap of all the NFL action so good it’ll help release the gaping chasm in your soul that hasn’t been filled since Breaking Bad went off the air.