The NFL Monday Morning Rinse: Week 6

The NFL Monday Morning Rinse (art by Elizabeth Reid)
And we’re back for week 6. With Columbus Day looming, the NFL helped teams celebrate by issuing pink smallpox blankets in support of breast cancer research. Onto the Rinse:

EAGLES 31, BUCCANEERS 20
After WR and n-word user Riley Cooper caught 4 passes for 120 yards and a touchdown, fantasy owners who picked him up are reminding everyone that some of their best friends are black.

BENGALS 27, BILLS 24
Before Bengals K Mike Nugent kicked the game-winning field goal, QB Andy Dalton came up to him and said, “You’re going to kick the game-winning field goal.” Immediately after making the kick, Nugent ran up to Dalton and demanded, “Tell me I’m going to motorboat Kate Upton! TELL ME I’M GOING TO MOTORBOAT KATE UPTON!”

LIONS 31, BROWNS 17
With 4:36 to play, Browns QB Brandon Weeden threw a shovel-pass interception, sealing the game for Detroit. This surprised the team, not because Weeden made a bad play, but because they could’ve sworn they cut his ass like, three weeks ago.

CHIEFS 24, RAIDERS 7
Arrowhead Stadium broke Seattle’s record for loudest stadium. When asked about it, coach Andy Reid said, “Come again?”

PANTHERS 35, VIKINGS 10
QB Matt Cassel was an improvement over Christian Ponder but hardly effective. “I just made too many mistakes out there,” said Cassel. “I missed receivers, I threw two picks, earlier this week I went to South Dakota and accidentally killed Adrian Peterson’s kid then masterfully framed some other guy, I took a few sacks, I mean you name the mistake, I made it.”

STEELERS 19, JETS 6
Pittsburgh got its first win, which means douchebag Steeler fans finally get to poke their heads out and let us know if it will be an early spring or six more weeks of them sucking.

PACKERS 19, RAVENS 17
The Packers emerged from a hostile Baltimore environment with a hard earned victory, though on the trip home they were robbed on the Light Rail.

RAMS 38, TEXANS 13
Many Texans fans cheered when QB Matt Schaub was injured. Schaub was upset until he realized that he is a millionaire who could afford to make everyone in that stadium his butler 8 times over.

BRONCOS 35, JAGUARS 19
The 0-6 Jaguars gave Denver their toughest game of the season, most likely due to the Broncos replacing Peyton Manning with Cooper Manning just to fuck with them.

SEAHAWKS 20, TITANS 13
The Seahawks intentionally turned in a sloppy, turnover-filled performance in protest of Columbus Day, noting that Columbus was actually kind of a dick, enslaving and murdering people for his own personal gain. Not to be outdone, the Titans noted that they intentionally lost the game in protest to show how disgusted they are with the honoring of such a disgraceful man. The Seahawks then countered that some of their best friends are Native American.

BEARS 27, GIANTS 21
With his team at 0-6, coach Tom Coughlin is running out of motivational tricks. His latest ideas? Eliminating the traditional postgame pizza party, holding his breath until they win, and finally, just flat-out pulling a Glock on Brandon Jacobs and saying, “Win or he gets it.”

PATRIOTS 30, SAINTS 27
New Orleans had a late lead but gave New England multiple chances to get back in this game despite New Orleans’ friends telling them that the Patriots are only going to hurt them in the long run and they’re making a big mistake not getting back with Rodney. Sure, the Patriots might be fun and exciting, but Rodney’s stable. He has a good job selling insurance and he’s a good guy. I mean, let’s be honest New Orleans. Let’s just cut right through the bullshit. That whole early-20’s fantasy of taming that bad boy? Having that wild fling with James Dean then getting him to settle down? It’s over. I’ve seen the future for you, and the future is Rodney. Settle down with Rodney now or you’ll regret it.  

COWBOYS 31, REDSKINS 16
The win was the team’s present to owner Jerry Jones on his 71st birthday along with his other traditional annual gifts of a kilo of cocaine, a virgin to deflower and a $25 gift card to Applebee’s.

49ERS 32, CARDINALS 20
The Niners forced four turnovers for the second straight game, prompting safety Donte Whitner to say, “There’s a direct correlation to winning games in the National Football League when you get those turnovers.” When asked to cite these findings, Whitner presented the assembled press corps with an hour long Powerpoint presentation outlining his case study, “Takeaways: A Comparative Analysis of the Impact of the Turnover in American Football.”

MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Colts will go into San Diego and defeat the Chargers. With RB Ahmad Bradshaw out for the year, the Colts’ running back duties will fall to the combo of Trent Richardson, Donald Brown, and three Indianapolis-area midgets sitting on each others’ shoulders.

That’s it for week six. Come back next week, and every week, for a recap of Sunday’s action with jokes about Adrian Peterson’s kid that may be tasteless, but admit it, could’ve been a lot worse.

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