The NFL Monday Morning Rinse: Week 5


The NFL Monday Morning Rinse (art by Elizabeth Reid)It’s week 5, and it’s autumn in the NFL, which means teams ready for a playoff push as they switch to Pumpkin Spice Gatorade. Let’s rinse, shall we:

BROWNS 37, BILLS 24
The promising QBs for both of these tortured franchises left with injuries, because God couldn’t decide which fanbase he hated more.

EAGLES 36, GIANTS 21
The Giants are so bad this year that QB Eli Manning and offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride are working on a new form of turnover for next week called the flimflam. It’s when the quarterback cowardly sprints backwards to the opposing team’s goal line, gently tosses the ball into their end zone, and throws his arms up as if to say, “All yours.”

BENGALS 13, PATRIOTS 6
Tom Brady’s streak of consecutive games with a TD pass is over, proving he is a mere mortal. After the game Brady scraped a little blood off his chin and looked at it quizzically, as he had never been harmed by the hand of another man before this day.

PACKERS 22, LIONS 6
Upon attempting to make the Lambeau Leap, WR James Jones was pushed out of the crowd by a Lions fan. The assembled Packers fans responded by beating the man to death with a Hickory Farms gift basket, since, you know…sausage and cheese are big in that area. Whatever, fuck you guys, all these can’t be winners. Oh and real quick, since this joke has fallen off the rails any way, I’m writing this at my parents house and couldn’t figure out which gift basket had the sausage and cheese, so thanks to my Mom for coming up with Hickory Farms.

SAINTS 26, BEARS 18
This is the greatest defeat for a Saint over a Bear since some guy named Ignatius brained a grizzly back during medieval times.

CHIEFS 26, TITANS 17
Their first loss means that this week the Titans will talk to their psychiatrists about their feelings of inadequacy rather than their fear of success.

COLTS 34, SAINTS 28
Colts coach Chuck Pagano complimented his team after the win: “They’ve got more grit than anybody, any team I’ve ever been around.” Pagano then added, “And I’ve been around Jeff Bridges, John Wayne, and the Quaker Oats guy.”

RAMS 34, JAGUARS 20
Instead of making another lame joke about how bad Jacksonville is, here’s another bit of interesting trivia: did you know that kangaroos have no sense of smell? Actually that’s not true, I just made it up.

RAVENS 26, DOLPHINS 23
Ravens pass rusher Terrell Suggs came up big in the fourth quarter with three sacks. Afterwards he said, “My wife told me, ‘Bring mama home three sacks.'” He then held up a bloody bag including the detached testicles of three Dolphins players. “I got these in case she wasn’t talking about the football ones.”

CARDINALS 22, PANTHERS 6
Arizona sacked Cam Newton 7 times. Newton was not happy afterwards in the postgame press conference: “Man, I’m sick of getting sacked! And another thing…wait a minute…do you guys see that over there? Is that Terrell Suggs with a comically oversized pair of scissors?”

BRONCOS 51, COWBOYS 48
Peyton Manning’s late-game heroics bested Tony Romo’s 500 yard passing day, which was the first 500 yard passing game by either a Dallas Cowboy or a woman.

49ERS 34, TEXANS 3
Houston QB Matt Schaub had an interception returned for a touchdown in his fourth straight game. When asked what caused this, Schaub said he’s actually been shaving points to make money after his chain of restaurants known as “Matt Schaub’s BBQ Shack” failed. Apparently nobody believes a plain, non-descript 30-something year old white guy can make decent BBQ. Also, the logo is just a weird, mug shot-like picture of Schaub’s expressionless face with the slogan, “We are offering you barbecued foodstuffs” under it.

RAIDERS 27, CHARGERS 17
Due to baseball, this game started at 11:30 on the east coast, later than most games go. The players celebrated this late start time byforegoing the standard football helmet to wear those nightcaps that look like flaccid wizard hats. Everyone got a concussion.

MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Falcons will end their losing streak and defeat the Jets. QBs Matt Ryan and Geno Smith will have nothing to talk about during the postgame handshake before Ryan awkwardly says, “So, uhh….playing quarterback is weird, huh?”

That’s it for this week. Check back next week, and every week, for a recap of all Sunday’s NFL action so good you’ll use it in a misguided attempt to defund Obamacare.

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