Welcome back for Week 4 of the NFL Monday Morning Rinse. This is the first week of teams being on bye. Much like life, some weeks you want Aaron Rodgers but you have to settle for Carson Palmer. Let’s get on with the Rinsing:
CHIEFS 31, GIANTS 7
“We’ve got ’em right where we want ’em!” said Giants coach Tom Coughlin after the shellacking. “Just when everybody counts us out, we find a way to shock the world and pull victory from the jaws of defeat.” Defeat responded by reminding the Giants they have no offensive line, then proceeded to swallow Victory.
LIONS 40, BEARS 32
The Bears submitted a turnover-filled outing as they still reel over how creepy their coach Marc Trestman looks. “Seriously,” said QB Jay Cutler, who threw 3 interceptions, “He looks like a perp from SVU.”
VIKINGS 34, STEELERS 27
With London hosting these two chumps and a Jaguars game yet to happen, it’s official: these shitty games are America’s revenge for the War of 1812.
BROWNS 17, BENGALS 6
Despite a freak victory last week, Cleveland’s new QB Brian Hoyer faltered in the face of….wait, they won? Really? Huh. Wait…you sure?
CARDINALS 13, BUCCANEERS 10
Starting rookie QB Mike Glennon wasn’t enough for Tampa. Former starter Josh Freeman tried to tell coach Greg Schiano, “I told you so,” but his words were intercepted by a random defensive back wandering by.
49ERS 35, RAMS 11
After breaking their two game losing streak, San Francisco’s entire roster continued their slumpbusting ways by going out on a group date with 53 portly co-eds.
SEAHAWKS 23, TEXANS 20
In honor of the impending government shutdown, Seattle shut down Houston’s offense after halftime. Next week they’ll again honor the shutdown by paying a team of 53 contractors to do their job for them.
BILLS 23, RAVENS 20
Joe Flacco threw so many interceptions the Ravens cut all their wide receivers and replaced them with Buffalo’s secondary.
COLTS 37, JAGS 3
I’m already tired of making jokes about how bad Jacksonville is, so instead here’s an interesting little nugget of trivia: did you know that the honeybee has to travel an average of 43,000 miles to collect enough nectar to make a pound of honey? That’s true. You can look it up.
BRONCOS 52, EAGLES 20
This humiliating loss finally convinced Eagles coach Chip Kelly that this is real life, not Madden.
TITANS 38, JETS 14
Titans QB Jake Locker injured his hip so badly in the win he had to go to the hospital. Locker said his injuries will keep him out for awhile, although Tennessee’s coaching staff thinks he’s just faking to get out of school on Monday.
CHARGERS 30, COWBOYS 21
Despite a pedestrian effort, the mediocre Cowboys still hold a one-game lead in the NFC East, which means we’re only a few weeks away from finding out which team actually wins it after the Cowboys blow it.
REDSKINS 24, RAIDERS 14
According to DE Ryan Kerrigan, “Seven was kind of the magic number today – we give up only seven points, we have seven sacks, scored seven points on defense.” Kerrigan paused and added, “Also, seven of our players wear adult diapers. I probably shouldn’t have said that part. Hold on a sec…” Kerrigan made a pained expression as if he was making a great effort. After a moment’s silence he said, “Umm….I’m not one of the guys wearing a diaper.”
PATRIOTS 30, FALCONS 21
Tom Brady finally had an outstanding effort, throwing for 316 yards and 2 touchdowns. “I just really didn’t want to let my fantasy owners down,” said Brady afterwards, in tears. “I mean, I may be rich, handsome, married to a supermodel wife, and have dumped a smoking hot actress most men would sacrifice a nut to date, but ultimately, what matters is the losers who selected me in their pretend little football picking contest.”
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Dolphins will upset the Saints. First, by spoiling the finale of Breaking Bad, which they’ve saved on DVR. Then they’ll beat them in a football game.
That’s it for Week 4. Bring it back here next week, and every week, for a recap of the NFL action so good it’ll make you want to suspend Obamacare another year.