And I’m back for week 3. The Browns and Colts shocked the world by swapping a former first round pick for a future one. I’m sure the hypothetical guy the Browns plan to pick next year is out there working hard somewhere, motivated to prove he’s better than Trent Richardson. Onto the Rinse:
CHIEFS 26, EAGLES 16
Andy Reid referred to this game as his version of Game of Thrones’ “Red Wedding,” due to the fact that the Chiefs’ color is red and he was getting vengeance on his former team. When someone reminded him this was a football game, not a wedding, Reid turned deathly serious and said, “Yeah? Well someone better provide me with a catered four course meal anyway.”
PATRIOTS 23, BUCS 3
New England QB Tom Brady found a new favorite target, throwing two touchdowns to little known WR Kenbrell Thompkins. Thompkins is now in the lead to win both Rookie of the Year and Best Player With a Name That Sounds Like Somebody Made It Up on the Spot. My name? Uhhh….Ken…brell? Yeah, Kenbrell. Kenbrell….Jenkins, I guess? No wait. Thompkins.
BROWNS 31, VIKINGS 27
Third-string QB Brian Hoyer led Cleveland to victory. Hoyer initially didn’t want to play but realized he’d have to win an NFL game at some point if he wanted a Wikipedia page.
LIONS 27, REDSKINS 20
“It’s not that bad, really,” said coach Mike Shanahan afterwards, refusing to panic with an 0-3 record. “I mean, so our franchise QB is injured and our defense is in shambles.” Shanahan then forced out a fake laugh while sweating profusely, gulped audibly, and said, “Will you excuse me? I need to uh get some air” then hightailed it out the nearest exit onto the adjacent highway.
BENGALS 34, PACKERS 30
The Bengals led by 14 and trailed by 16 at different points in the game in a performance so bipolar the whole team was prescribed wellbutrin.
PANTHERS 38, GIANTS 0
The Giants offensive line was so bad that the Panthers are still pressuring Eli Manning at breakfast this morning. Luke Kuechly recorded two and a half sacks and made Eli chuck his waffle out the window one time, which apparently is the breakfast equivalent of throwing the ball away.
SAINTS 31, CARDINALS 7
New Orleans’ defense had four sacks and two interceptions, showing they’ve been rejuvenated under Rob Ryan. This would be the only time in history Rob Ryan’s name has appeared in the same sentence as anything dealing with juvenation.
JETS 27, BILLS 20
The Jets won despite committing 20 penalties. Instead of a Gatorade bath, they celebrated afterwards by committing a vicious helmet to head hit on Rex Ryan resulting in a concussion.
DOLPHINS 27, FALCONS 23
Miami’s so used to losing that they apologized profusely after the win. They even sent Atlanta a gift basket from Bed, Bath, and Beyond and a sympathy card with a picture of a basset hound and a note saying, “Sorry we beat you guys, we realize that wasn’t the plan.”
RAVENS 30, TEXANS 9
This day belonged to Ray Lewis, who had his number retired and proved just how beloved he was in Baltimore by showing up for the ceremony wearing the missing bloody white suit from his murder trial without anyone calling him on it.
COWBOYS 31, RAMS 7
Dallas finally ran the ball effectively, with DeMarco Murray rushing for 175 yards. Jason Garrett made the team learn how to establish a ground attack by forcing them to play Risk all week. Next week’s game plan? Run the ball until they conquer the Ukraine.
TITANS 20, CHARGERS 17
This was the franchise’s first win over San Diego since 1992 which means the next time they beat them it will be 2034 behind the stellar play of their quarterback, Balding Jake Locker with a Pronounced Potbelly.
SEAHAWKS 45, JAGUARS 17
This one got so out of hand that the team’s quarterback for the last quarter and a half was Pete Carroll in a Russell Wilson jersey.
COLTS 27, 49ERS 7
Newly acquired RB Trent Richardson was able to catch up on Indy’s system so quickly by purchasing the crib notes version of their playbook off of Peyton Manning.
BEARS 40, STEELERS 23
The Bears couldn’t enjoy their victory long, as soon after they realized how creepy coach Marc Trestman looks. Seriously, have you seen that guy? He looks like somebody Ray Donovan would beat up for stalking a girl he likes.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Broncos will have no trouble with the Raiders. To keep it interesting Peyton Manning may start throwing with his left hand and/or turn his helmet backwards. Gotta give these folks a show.
That’s it for week 3. Check back next week, and every week, for a recap of all the NFL action so good you’d have thought you died and received an overly long sendoff at the Emmy’s.