It’s week two in the NFL. This week the Redskins heard even more pointed criticism for their racist nickname, drawing complaints from Bill Simmons, Keith Olbermann, and in a vicious NY Times op-ed, Russian president Vlad Putin. Let’s get to the Rinse:
RAVENS 14, BROWNS 6
The Ravens won on the same day Joe Flacco’s wife gave birth to his son. When asked how hard it was to miss his son’s birth, Flacco shrugged and said, “Eh, I wasn’t there for the conception either. Anquan Boldin is the child’s father.”
PATRIOTS 13, JETS 10
New England’s tight victory was actually pretty impressive when you consider their receiving corps was made up of two dudes they found down at the Y and some guy Tom Brady met at a gas station who kinda looks like Wes Welker.
BILLS 24, PANTHERS 23
After his first professional victory, QB EJ Manuel was greeted by Bills Hall of Famer Jim Kelly with a hearty, “Good job.” When Manuel attempted to break the handshake, Kelly pulled him in close and said through gritted teeth, “Good luck winning 4 AFC title games, asshole. This is still Jim Kelly’s town.” Kelly then pulled him in closer and said, “You’ll never be me.” He then pulled Manuel in even closer and said, “Are you as turned on as I am right now?”
CHARGERS 33, EAGLES 30
Chip Kelly could not be reached for comment after the game, saying he was too busy trying to figure out a way to run even more plays next week. His ideas include more onside kicks, not waiting for the refs to spot the ball before running plays, and asking the refs if they can just use the 15 minute halftime period to run more plays.
TEXANS 30, TITANS 24
Houston needed overtime to beat Tennessee. “That’s another way for us to run more plays!” exclaimed Chip Kelly. “Overtime!”
FALCONS 31, RAMS 24
Steven Jackson scored a TD in his first game against his former team, made sweeter by the fact that he was able to find a doobie he hid behind his old locker.
DOLPHINS 24, COLTS 20
Andrew Luck was unable to stage a second late game comeback, proving he’s not a miracle worker. Also proving he’s not a miracle worker? That botched kidney transplant he tried to pull off earlier this week for some reason.
BEARS 31, VIKINGS 30
This win moved Chicago to 2-0 overall but they remain only 1-0 versus guys who should be starting at quarterback in the NFL.
CARDINALS 25, LIONS 21
Now that he’s finally won a game, coach Bruce Arians fan club known as the “Arian Nation” may actually gain some Cardinal fans as members. For some reason they’ve had a weird crowd showing up for the meetings so far.
PACKERS 38, REDSKINS 20
QB Aaron Rodgers angrily addressed reporters afterwards: “I made sure this one was a rout because I’m offended by their continual use of the Redskins nickname. People don’t know this, but I’m 1/16th Chocktaw. My given, Indian name is Aaron Fucks-With-Your-Fantasy-Team-By-Not-Having-a-Preferred-Receiver.”
BRONCOS 41, GIANTS 23
Peyton won the third ever Manning Bowl decisively over his little brother Eli. Their father Archie expressed his disappointment with his younger son by telling him that his real father is Anquan Boldin.
RAIDERS 19, JAGUARS 9
Jacksonville’s only a few more terrible performances away from just not showing up for games and seeing if anyone notices.
CHIEFS 17, COWBOYS 16
Coach Andy Reid was pumped about his second win: “I’m really excited for the fans because we’re competitive, and because after every home win everyone’s promised a free bucket of friend chicken at any Kansas City area KFC.” When informed by his coaching staff that this was untrue and just a prank they played on him, Reid’s expression went deadly serious and said, “I don’t give a fuck who, and I don’t give a fuck how, but somebody better get me a bucket of chicken right now. What started as a joke is now going to be a real promotion, but only for me.”
SAINTS 16, BUCS 14
The game was delayed due to lightning but luckily ended before 9 p.m. ET as Florida law prohibits any public events from taking place while Breaking Bad’s on.
Seattle dominated San Francisco. WR Anquan Boldin in particular was flummoxed: “I haven’t been this stunned,” said Boldin, “since Joe Flacco asked me to cuckold his wife 9 months ago.”
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
The Steelers haven’t started 0-2 since 2002, but look for that streak to be broken with a loss against the Bengals tonight. After the game the Bengals will steal the Steelers’ lunch money and give them a collective swirlie, asking them how they like being a shitty team for once.
That’s it for week two. Check back next week, and every week, for a recap of all the week’s NFL action so good it will make you forget what happened on Breaking Bad last night.