The NFL is back, and so is the Monday Morning Rinse, my recap of every game on Sunday. The NFL announced Bruno Mars will perform at halftime of the 2014 Super Bowl, making this a banner week for black guys named after planets. Let’s get to yesterday’s games:
BRONCOS 49, RAVENS 27
Peyton Manning tied an all-time record with seven TD passes. Manning was pissed, however, as he has Baltimore’s defense on his fantasy team.
JETS 18, BUCCANEERS 17
Rookie QB Geno Smith impressed Jets fans by having absolutely zero fumbles caused by another player’s ass.
CHIEFS 28, JAGUARS 2
This was one of the worst performances in Jaguars history, but in fairness to the players, half of them were signed 30 minutes before the game from the parking lot of a Jacksonville Home Depot.
LIONS 34, VIKINGS 24
Adrian Peterson started out with a 78 yard TD run but added only 15 more yards after the impressive scamper. Peterson said afterwards of his performance: “It was kind of like the show Dexter: I started out real strong but ended up petering out.” Peterson then paused and added, “Plus at halftime I killed 14 people.” When the group of reporters assembled at his locker laughed, Peterson fake-laughed along with them while he used his foot to nudge some duct tape and knives under his locker.
DOLPHINS 23, BROWNS 10
When asked why he didn’t use RB Trent Richardson more, Browns offensive coordinator Norv Turner stated, “It’s only week one, and we don’t want Trent getting too full of himself. Also, I’m not sure if you’ve seen my stops as a head coach in Washington, Oakland, and San Diego, but I am an unequivocal dunce.”
PATRIOTS 23, BILLS 21
The Bills shot themselves in the foot with 10 penalties, blowing the game while at the same time honoring former Patriot Aaron Hernandez.
BEARS 24, BENGALS 21
For the fifth time in six years, the Bengals dropped their season opener. This is probably due to coach Marvin Lewis’s ill-advised season opening tradition of taking the team to Vegas the night before the game. When asked why he continued this stupid custom, Lewis shrugged and said, “Um….anybody want some Bellagio chips?”
RAMS 27, CARDINALS 24
Despite the loss, Arizona WR Larry Fitzgerald was just happy to finally have a real QB in Carson Palmer. If they hadn’t found somebody with a decent arm, Fitzgerald’s backup plan was to start trolling for QBs on Tinder.
SAINTS 23, FALCONS 17
The Saints were able to win after a rocky start in which their coaches spent the first quarter re-explaining the rules of the game to returning head coach Sean Payton. Payton later remarked, “Why are touchdowns worth six? Seems kind of random. Also, don’t you guys think it wouldn’t be more fun if they weren’t allowed to…wait, what’s it called when the guy kicks? Bunt?”
TITANS 16, STEELERS 9
Pittsburgh blamed their putrid offensive performance on the fact that they’re all still recovering from last month’s announcement of Ben Affleck as the new Batman. When asked about the team’s poor rushing attack, coach Mike Tomlin grimaced and said, “I mean….have we all forgotten Gigli already? Christ, it was an abortion!”
COLTS 21, RAIDERS 17
In his first start, Terrelle Pryor was unimpressed with his performance: “I did awful, I thought,” the QB said. Pryor rushed for 112 yards and passed for 217 and a TD, so if that’s his definition of awful, he’s clearly never watched a Raider game before.
SEAHAWKS 12, PANTHERS 7
QB Cam Newton wasn’t concerned about the loss: “Everybody, let’s not panic now. We’re going to be all right.” Which is true, if going 6-10 at best is considered “all right.”
49ERS 34, PACKERS 28
Anquan Boldin went hog wild, catching 12 passes for 208 yards. He was so good that after the game in the locker room he continued catching stuff, catching a donut one of his teammates dropped, catching a a cold, catching feelings for a girl he met at a coffee shop, and responding to a witty remark from one of the coaches by winking and saying, “I caught that.”
COWBOYS 36, GIANTS 31
Dallas finally defeated the Giants in their home stadium. To ensure the Giants never embarrass them at home again, when New York shows up in Dallas next season they plan to lock the doors, shut off all the lights, and pretend they aren’t home.
MONDAY NIGHT PREDICTION
Chip Kelly’s new offensive style will be too advanced for everyone, including the Eagles, who will fall to the Redskins. Afterwards Dr. James Andrews will cradle RGIII like the baby Jesus and carry him off the field, clutching him to his bosom.
In the late game, the Texans will beat the Chargers. If Houston wins convincingly, maybe everyone will stop saying how “disappointing” the Chargers are and realize they’re just a shitty team.
That’s it for week one. Check back here next week, and every week, for a recap of all the NFL action so good it will make you forget the U.S. is probably going to intervene in Syria.