According to CNN’s Peter Bergen, al Qaeda is attempting to remake their image as a kinder, gentler terrorist organization. The group is producing promotional material designed to make them look friendly and has even organized an ice cream eating contest. Here are some of the other ways they’re attempting to soften their image:
* All outposts will have a moon bounce shaped like the World Trade Center.
* New theme song by Randy Newman.
* Negotiating to bring a Starbucks to Kandahar, bringing the number of Starbucks in Afghanistan up to 1.
* Struck a deal with Yankee Candle to sponsor a new scent called goat’s milk and kubideh.
* All those videos on the news of them training and shooting stuff? Replaced with YouTube footage of kittens training and shooting stuff.
* Producing a fact sheet on terrorism etiquette, including pointers such as, “When filling the back of a UHaul with fertilizer, hang an air freshener on the rear view mirror so the driver can experience some minty freshness before meeting Allah.”
* All jihads will now be referred to as misunderstandings, because we can talk our way out of misunderstandings. But seriously, if you disagree with them they will still shoot you.
* They’ve replaced the old spokesman – an old cleric with a scraggly beard wearing ill-fitting rags – with legendary actor and national treasure Tom Hanks.
* You know how Walmart has those old people outside the front door to tell you “Have a nice day!” They have those guys, only they’re standing outside caves. And if you look like a US military guy they shoot you. But everyone else, you know, feel free to come on in and poke around. You’re even welcome to try some of this complimentary goat’s milk and kubideh.
* Lots of references on their website to 9-11 possibly being an inside job.
* New mascot is a terrifying dragon named Petey who breathes fire, screams ‘DEATH TO INFIDELS!’ and holds an AK-47 in one hand and a missile launcher in the other. OK, that one needs work.